Q&A What are Your Views on the Affair Partner?

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Rick, I struggle with the AP and the fact she lives very close to our house. My husband met her "on-line" through a website that promoted affairs, so she was active with multiple men and had a history of affairs prior to hooking up with my husband. She was one of about 4 women my husband met on this site, yet the only one he was emotionally attached to. The other women were "hook ups" and similar to "one night stands". This woman is married, 16 years younger, and has two teenage children. Her husband knows nothing about her affairs and she is thought of as a good "Christian" wife and mother. She called our house a few weeks ago as she found out that I had driven by her house. She immediately threw my husband under the bus in terms of his past affairs and claiming that she would use "pictures" to expose his behaviors if I were to blow her cover with her husband. She wanted to meet with me, and I declined. She said she had tried to break up with my husband many times, and he kept returning to her. I know that that's true, but she also used manipulation to keep him interested by sexting and claiming work men had raped her! My pain is beyond measure. I want to expose her to her husband, but then that puts our family at risk and the fact that she knows I know her personal history scares her from "coming" around. What are your views on the AP? Do you have women on staff that can share their views that have walked in our shoes? I think the unfaithful spouses wants to move forward and not look back at the craters that they've created due to their cheating. The betrayed spouse needs to feel some control over what has happened to us and it's emotionally challenging to look at the AP and think of anything other than hatred and distain. In my heart and head I understand that we are to forgive...but it's very very difficult when we're still in the mind-set that these women would love nothing more than to return to our husbands and know that they "won" the prize...even if the relationship was based on lust and foolishness.



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thank you

Rick, this was my question and your response was excellent. Theoretically, I know that the AP did not "win" anything, but she did steal a piece of my heart and sullied my spirit. I have to learn to let go of the "stronghold" that she has had on me and give it to God. It's nearly impossible to not conjure up images of what she may have offered over my marriage of nearly 35 years. But, sadly, that's the problem with addictions and infidelity...one's heart cannot easily be put back together once it's been shattered into a million pieces. The glue of my faith will hopefully mend the cracks, but those fractures will never be completely gone. This journey sucks, for lack of a better word.

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