Q&A Where is the Line Between Honesty and Pretend Normal?


I am the unfaithful spouse. My question has to do with telling our kids who are 20, 22. 25. We told them a week or two after D-day so they have been keeping up with our recovery for the past 10 months. My wife tends to tell them things like, "Oh, this week was really the hardest week, even harder than the first months". So she’s not giving details, but general bad news. I don't think this is helpful to them. They are doing fairly well through it all but I think we could have spared them a lot of hurt by limiting many things. After hearing about "pretend normal", I my wife wants to be even more honest with them than she did before, and I personally don't think they need to hear things that are going to bring them down. So on one hand there is being honest and on the other hand there is pretend normal. I think knowledge can do more damage than good sometimes. So where do we draw the line in being 100% honest and on the other side realizing that this honesty will work against them? I do love the direction we are going and I do hope to get past the one year anniversary from our D-day. I myself am very hopeful and I feel this is a great opportunity to start again in building something we never had before. Thanks for all the help, AR has been a huge blessing to us. :)



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such great advice

Our kids are 31 and 29. Our adult daughter is married with 3 children and she was told the general gist of the infidelity. She was shocked and hurt for many weeks and wanted nothing to do with him. I allowed her to grieve and supported any decision she made in regards to communicating with me or him. I did not divulge details though my husband said he would face our children and answer any or all questions they may have. I prayed about it. We did not discuss any details with our son, who is 29. He felt it was our business and we needed to work it out. I do worry that he has concerns but he also knows we are in counseling and he supports our efforts. Since our marriage is, in itself, a separate entity apart from our adult kids, we are praying that God will show them what true forgiveness and reconciliation looks like and that "good" will come of this mess. I love your advice, Rick. As usual, it is spot on!

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