Q&A Why Do I Want to Know? Part 1

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I found your article, “Why do I want to Know” very insightful, but your comments raised a lot of questions.

How does your advice change when disclosure spans 19 months rather than 6 weeks? The destruction is the story keeps evolving, so you never feel like it’s quite finished. It’s difficult to stop asking questions because of previous patterns. My husband has not changed or added any new information in a long time, and maintains that he has now told me everything. I admire his courage as I saw how difficult it was to rise above his shame, but how do I now know I have enough when it was so difficult getting the information? 

Could you walk me through a scenario regarding your question, “will knowing this help me heal?” I pushed and pushed to know if the AP had been in our home. For a year, the answer went from ‘never’, to ‘just in the garage, to finding out she spent 20 days and nights in our home. Does knowing this help me heal? Absolutely not. It piled on pain to an unbearable level. However, isn’t it my right to know so I can make decisions about my home? And didn’t I need to understand how far my husband had fallen, and how deep into the ashes our marriage was, in order to look Ground Zero in the eye? Can you help me understand how to pick and choose what I need to know?

I would appreciate any insight you can give me.

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