Q&A Why Doesn’t It Seem He Wants a Healthy Wife and Be Safe for Her?

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Question: 

I am extremely discouraged because we had come so far completing Married for Life. My husband is not being safe, but I’m feeling guilty for my boundaries. I feel so dishonored when he lies to me and I don’t feel I’m an equal partner in this marriage when he does things like make decisions without me and lies about it, and stays late at work and doesn’t call. He even asked to have covenant eyes removed from our phones because “it doesn’t make sense to have it and pay for it because I still don’t feel safe.” He requested covenant eyes as accountability for himself, but now it was “to keep me safe.” I’m so hurt because he blameshifts me for my boundaries and when I try to bring up why I’m hurt or something he did, he wants to discuss all of the things I did to hurt him instead. I have no problem doing that, but the timing is wrong. I feel he intentionally throws roadblocks to my recovery. I’ve got myself a decent support group and enrolled in Harboring Hope. I’ve been isolated for many years and I’m tired of being the victim. I want to change this dance but it hurts when I feel he’s intentionally trying to make me jealous in some way to get off course. How long do you wait for a person to become safe when their behavior seems tit for tat and they’re not supportive of my recovery? Also, how do you cope when you have repeated hurts in a short time span? Why doesn’t it seem he wants a healthy wife and be safe for her?

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It’s a matter of choice

I had the same problem, trying to control his recovery, hitting a wall regularly. ( I tried for 7 years). Then I took Harboring Hope, which taught me I’m the only one I can control. All of a sudden he’s on board with calling home before leaving work, and never coming home late. His Hope for Healing class gave him the courage to admit all the reporting he did, didn’t change his behavior, he just rescheduled his stepping out. My divorce should be final soon. The good news is, I’ve had plenty of time to get my head around it, so the pain is gone. He still wants to stay married but admits his addiction will probably always be part of his life. I feel bad for him, but not bad enough to stay. I have to love me first. Take care of yourself❣️