Q&A Why Isn't My Mate Pursuing Me?

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Question: 

We are a year past D-Day and we have taken all of the courses that Affair Recovery offers. My husband was in a limerent affair for about 2 years. He had 2 relapses in the last year and it’s been four months since his last relapse. To his credit, I guess you might say, the first relapse was no physical contact, but a lot of calls and texts. The 2nd was looking her picture up on Facebook but no contact...at least this is what he tells me. So each relapse was lesser than the previous one, which is encouraging. And I do see a change in him for the better. Over the last 2 years, I’ve been pursuing him and initiating activities to help us connect. We’ve been married for 30 years. I’m tired of doing all of the pursuing. When I asked him if he feels the disconnect like I do, he said yes. He says he feels hopeful for our future and yet doesn’t pursue me or initiate time with me or any type of intimacy. When I asked him why doesn’t he do those things he said that knowing that I contain my pain most of the time, that he feels like he will always be tainted in my eyes and it prevents him from moving toward me. I told him I’m tired of being the pursuer and I need to know that I matter to him and that HE is the one that broke us so why am I working so hard chasing him. Am I wrong or should he be helping me feel like I matter to him and want to connect with me? Is there more to the way he feels that I don’t understand?

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