Q&A Will the Larger Problems be Addressed?

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My husband has some sex/love addiction problems, which he is addressing. But his acting out seems to be the by-product of other problems: being passive-aggressive, conflict avoidant, highly sensitive (everything is a criticism). My husband is so conflict avoidant that he will either not engage or go behind my back rather than confront issues. Two examples: my husband knows I am opposed to pictures of our child on social media. Despite knowing the damage of deceit, he posted some pictures behind my back. And if any kind of disagreement happens with others (such as parents/in-laws), he will call himself Switzerland and stay out of it rather than supporting me even when he knows something unfair is happening to me, and even when he agrees that someone has treated me extremely poorly. Although I can stick up for myself, his attitude feels so disrespectful and contemptuous towards me as his wife when he decides to do nothing or, even worse, tries to find a justification about how it must somehow be my fault. It feels like the same sentiments that led to the cheating. What about these larger problems of which the infidelity is just a part? Will they be addressed, or will we find ourselves at the bottom of another huge mountain even after we conquer the infidelity? I am trying to keep the faith because I do love him, and staying together is better for our child, but it’s so hard when it seems like the mountains never end.



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The man you describe is very

The man you describe is very much like my husband and I, too, would like all his bad qualities to be wiped away. I totally understand! In our situation, EMSO triggered personal growth for both of us. It's been harder work for my husband, who's in therapy for childhood issues that make him vulnerable to addiction. It's not always pretty. (Today he blew up at his sister for something really minor, but at least he was able to put his difficult emotions into words, and then apologize! They ended up laughing and his dark mood was gone, thank goodness. In the past, he would have brooded all day at work and been restless all evening at home.)

Overall we have a more honest relationship and we are closer today. But marriage can still be tough and he still has some of the same flaws. When I worry that his flaws are too huge to overcome, I count the good things and the good times that we have most every day. I usually find that I have exaggerated the negative--out of my tendency to be a worrier--and life is actually pretty good. We finished EMSO 9 months ago. D-Day #1 was 18 months ago. D-day #2 (porn addiction) was 12 months ago. It's tough working through infidelity/addiction issues, but Affair Recovery has great programs. If you can get to a grateful state of mind (but not a door-mat or enabler), it's a much nicer way to live. Good luck.

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