Rick Reynolds, LCSW
by Rick Reynolds, LCSW
Founder & President, Affair Recovery

The Valentine’s Day After Syndrome

Ever wonder what happens to couples on the first Valentine’s Day after the discovery of an affair? She glared at me in disbelief. “What part of I don’t want you to get me anything for Valentine’s don’t you understand?” she asked. I stood there with flowers and card in hand looking at the ground not sure what to do. I knew she had said do nothing, but after the discovery of my affair three months earlier I couldn’t stand not doing something to let her know I appreciated her stay…
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Thank you for these helpful

Thank you for these helpful tips. It must be hard writing for a variety of circumstances, but thank you. This ministry is so needed. God Bless you and all who are reading as we remember how much God loves us in this hard season of life!

valentines day

my husband walked out during his affair. he never came back. but he expects me to act like we are friends or something. my whole world was turned upside down, it caught me off guard, i had no idea he was even unhappy. the holidays were hard, this happened in oct. and by now i should be done crying right? but i find myself bawling at the thought of valentines day. i have so much anger and resentment and hatred for him! i dont know how to get past this. is it going to hurt this much every holiday?

Valentine's Day after syndrome

Find this very very hard to comprehend.  Before the affair my husband used to say that he didnt believe in St Valentine's day  and as a result I never got anything. I got used to it as a way of life.  When he had his affair, he went full throtle, bought expensive gifts, flowers, dined out at expensive hotels with his affair partner things he never did for me.  Now he still maintains and continues with his former tradition - I get nothing.  Its been 5 years since the affair ended but it sure hurts to know that I dont get treated well when a mistress got it all.

Valentine's Day

I am a betrayed spouse, and we are trying to work on recovery. I didn't get my husband any Christmas gifts this year, but I did take the kids and let them get something for him. He also got a few things for himself to put under the tree, I guess so the kids wouldn't know that something was wrong. (of course they do know something is wrong) I just don't feel ready to buy my husband a card about love, commitment and dedication. And I agree, I think if he gets me anything, it will upset me which I know is not his intent. I am struggling with expressing how hurt I am with my desire to recover our marriage and move forward. I don't want to push him back into her arms.

The Day After Valentines Day...

My husband was the unfaithful party and we just passed our 29th Anniversay.  It was a difficult day, but my approach was to acknowledge this day in a very small way.  Coming right after Christmas was difficult too, but we were able to acknowledde that we wanted to do something for each other that conveyed a thoughfulness for the others interests.  Now, Valentines Day doesn't seem as daunting.  Still don't know if I want to stay together with him but can stand to see his face now!

Valentines day

My spouse cheated on me over 2 years ago. He has been wonderful to me since discovery. I've been given gifts, flowers, and love and attention throughout the years. However, when it came to pick out a valentine card for him, tears came to my eyes and I struggled to find the right card with the right words. I laughed at the cards that said "true love", "cant live without you".. What a joke. I know I'm bitter, but it's hard to give 100% of your heart again when the wound is still deep.

I just want to pretend it is just another day....

This is the 2nd Valentine's day since the affair was discovered.  Last year I made my husband leave and go to a hotel.  We are "separated" right now, but still living under the same roof.  I struggle with this day because I found out about the affair right after Valentine's day.  He bought me all kinds of stuff for Valentine's day, while all the time having an affair.

Last year it was completely ignored and I want this year to be the same way.  I can't speak for everyone, but from my perspective, when I tell him I don't want anything - I truly don't want anything.  I'm afraid he will come in with presents and while I'm trying to be calm, I know that will evoke a fight.

For those of you that have betrayed your spouse and think going overboard will help, it will probably make it worse.  You should ask what he/she wants to do and then honor that.  It will be appreciated far more than lavish gifts.

my affair

I betrayed my wife and I admit I was so wrong for hurting her and our children. I have gone to a marriage counselor and she has too. We sometime with have a couple's session. I am trying so hard (maybe too hard) to prove to my wife that I am changing for the better. I continue to pray daily for the strength for us to make it through the very difficult time in our life. She shares all the AR newsletters with me and for that I am greatful. I would like to recommend a book called After the Affair. It is a very goo dbok for both parties. You can even download it to you Android phone or Kindles. Thank you the great article and look forward to continuing to read them.

The 1st year was a blur but it gets better.

My husband (the betrayer) was living 3 hours away from our home/family due to his job. I had suspected an affair for several months and finally confronted him a few weeks after Valentine's Day in 2009. He was finally truthful with me.. We went through counseling as a couple and he individually and I took the affair recovery course. He was able to move back home eventually. The first year back together is a blur - I have hardly any recollection of holidays, except to think that this time last year he was with his mistress for Halloween and Valentines. Even when he was with me for Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year's the phone records show he was calling and texting her - even on our 29th anniversary. We have just celebrated our 33rd anniversary and although I still have fleeting thoughts, I am back to making new memories with my mate. Hang in there and if the betrayer truly wants to change, life will get better. It takes prayers, forgiveness, and lots of open communication.

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