The Valentine’s Day After Syndrome She glared at me in disbelief. “What part of I don’t want you to get me anything for Valentine’s don’t you understand?” she asked. I stood there with flowers and card in hand looking at the ground not sure what to do. I knew she had said do nothing, but after the discovery of my affair three months earlier I couldn’t stand not doing something to let her know I appreciated her staying. If I did nothing I was afraid she’d be hurt and bring up all the things I did for my affair partner on Valentine’s last year and remind me how I did nothing for her. I knew she’d take my doing nothing as a sign that I didn’t care. What could I do? I was damned if I did and damned if I didn’t. It’s a fair question. Just what do you do for Valentine’s Day after infidelity? It becomes one of the most dreaded holidays a couple can face. Does the unfaithful attempt to redeem the holiday and buy anything or do anything? Is it better left unaddressed and you just forget the holiday altogether. What do you tell the kids? How do you fend off the depression associated with a miserable Valentine’s Day? The easiest–and cheapest–way to start on this journey is to take our free First Steps Bootcamp. It's an online guide with 100+ pages of content and a full-length video of a mentor couple who was in as big of a mess as it can get. You'll take a big sigh of relief when you have a clear plan and learn that you're neither crazy nor alone in this journey, whichever side of the infidelity you find yourself on. Start the Free First Steps Bootcamp Now! That first Valentine’s Day after an affair presents a dilemma for all individuals recovering from a betrayal. What was once an opportunity to do something special for your mate, a way of saying I love you, is transformed into a burning reminder of what happened. Painful television commercials portraying happy couples reading Hallmark cards remind both parties of what they don’t have. Not many Valentine’s cards are written that express regret for cheating on your partner and a hurt spouse will find it difficult to find a Valentine’s card expressing how they feel about being betrayed. To make matters worse, even if the unfaithful spouse buys a gift for their mate, there is a good chance their mate won’t receive it in the spirit with which it was intended. Rather that gift serves as an upsetting reminder of what happened or else it’s seen as nothing more than a guilt offering. Holidays and special occasions such as anniversaries or Valentine’s present a challenge for couples during the first year of reconciliation. Both parties may see their mate’s efforts at putting things back together, but the pain of the betrayal is amplified when special occasions serve to remind them of what they don’t have. But all is not lost. It is possible to navigate this difficult time but it won’t come through a business as usual approach. Here are a few tips for getting through the Valentine’s After Syndrome: Set low expectations. If you get to the other side of Valentine’s Day and you haven’t had a blowout then it truly is a victory. Create new ways of expressing care and appreciation. Old traditions may become painful reminders. New traditions can provide a reminder that maybe there can be something new in the future. Don’t just say it, write it: Due to the pain and upset your mate may be feeling, they may not be able to believe it at that moment, but if you write it out they can go back later and see that maybe what you wrote did mean something. List out 20 things you appreciate about your mate: Whether or not you give it to them, listing 20 things you appreciate about your mate helps you remember what’s good. It’s human nature to be aware of what irritates; we have to be intentional to remember what we appreciate. Take a break for a day: Ask your mate if they would be willing to take a break from recovery for a day. Agree, for one day, to focus on what is going well and avoid thinking about the betrayal. They can begin focusing on the affair the next day. Be sensitive to what your mate wants: Don’t make the occasion about you and what you think is supposed to happen; rather, listen to your mate. You may not know whether you want to move forward in this relationship, but you can at least treat your mate the same way you’d like to be treated. Do something constructive, which contributes to finding a better life. Perhaps you can find something fun to do without heavy romantic expectations. Have open lines of communication between you both. If you’re a betrayed spouse, communicate that you’re in pain and state what may make you feel better about the holiday and day in general. If you’re an unfaithful spouse, share your heart to just make your spouse feels safe on that day. Share you’re willing to embrace the day whatever it looks like. It’s understandable why Valentine’s Day is difficult, but it can also serve as a small step toward a better life. Whatever you do, find a way to avoid behaviors that continue the cycle of hurt and instead focus on behaviors that help you to move forward. Follow these tips and you both can have a productive Valentine’s Day after. Our March EMS Weekend is currently half full and we have a waiting list for February’s EMS Weekend. If you’d like more information about our weekend intensive and our facilitating staff of experts please call 512-879-6326 or email Info@hope-now.com. Sections: NewsletterFounder's LaptopFree ResourcesHot Off the PressRL_Category: Healthy HolidaysRL_Media Type: Text
