Q&A After 3 Separate Discoveries of Infidelity, How Can I Tell if This is True Change?

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My initial discovery day was August 2014. I had an additional D-Day in November when my husband relapsed with his AP. We attended EMS Weekend together and I thought were working on recovery. In February he moved out for 2 weeks as he felt weighed down and stuck in the process . He kept telling me he needed to fix his vertical relationship with God and that he needed to jumpstart his heart. He felt it was in chains due to guilt and shame . He also used the term ambivalent saying he read a lot of Q&A's and articles on the topic.

Although he wasn't able to clarify his confused feelings and emotional state, he came back home valentines weekend saying he wanted to be with our boys and me. It was clear to him now. I told him this was not a revolving door and he said he understood that, he had made his decision.

On Ash Wednesday February 18th I had my 3rd D-Day. He went to Eucharistic adoration after church services to pray. He came home and said he was ready to come clean and disclosed that he had still been enslaved by this sin and had not successfully been able to close the loop and end the affair. He has the good guy problem of feeling guilty for leading her on and using her in his fantasy that she thought was reality. I am devastated all over again and knocked back to ground zero. He feels as if a huge weight has been lifted as he successfully ended the affair for good. He asked me to accept the prodigal son home.

My question is how do I know this time he is sincere and willing to change. The deception and lies are so hurtful. I'm praying for the courage to open up to him and build intimacy and trust Gods timing in all of this. He is being accountable and I can track his phone location and I have his passwords to his accounts. He is involved with Hope for Healing and we are continuing in couples counseling.

Is it just a leap of faith?

He says he is committed to working this out. His AP works at his firm and is quite aggressive in her pursuit of him. He says she has not contacted him in these past two weeks and that when she does he will let me know and cc me on a text to her we composed from one of AR's articles.

My other question is do we contact her together via phone to eliminate the third point in the triangle once and for all? I know you say never to contact the AP but I feel like she has a distorted view of reality as well because of all the lies my husband told her.

There is one other issue. My husband donated sperm to an infertility clinic at her request to appease her, or as he put it he was "temporarily insane". He got a letter notarized that he will be retrieving that to destroy it as a demonstration of his commitment to me. Do we notify the ap he removed the specimen?

Thanks for your input/ advice as this is a lot to deal with.



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