Q&A Caught Unfaithful Spouse in the Act

Video Restricted to Recovery Library members. Question In your experience, does the manner in which a betrayed spouse discovers their spouse’s affair correlate with their recovery and potential reconciliation of the marriage? Specifically, if the betrayed spouse is the one that finds their spouse engaged sexually ("in the act") with another person does it affect their recovery?
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How Important is Honesty?

I am really struggling to make progress in my healing because I am so focused on the fact that my husband continues to be dishonest with me. I am not able to remain calm about this subject or pretend normal.

He is lying about his past. It is dribbled to me in stages. We work on things, make progress, then a conversation or trigger comes up which leads to dishonesty, I then begin to feel like I need to get out of the relationship, I begin to move towards that and then he will give me some honesty and more encounters. It is not always encounters of sex but now it is women that he has pursued in the past that never led to sex. Some he has taken to lunch, some were flirting through emails, etc. He does admit that in all of the encounters he would have had a sexual relationship with the woman it just never presented the right opportunity for him. It makes no sense to me that he has told me about much more hurtful things from his past but has left all of this out. His response is that he has compartmentalized these and did not feel that they were important to tell because they were not sex or what he considers to be an affair.

We have attended the EMS weekend. We are both in the Hope classes and participating in the EMS small group calls. He has also began to go to 90 meetings in the 90 days for sexual addiction. He has asked me to just give him some more time to work through this because he has lied and been self centered his whole life. It is taking some time to change this in him but he feels he is really trying. He has made a lot of progress in other areas of his life over the past 2 years. It just seems that in the area of honesty and creating safety for me he is unable to change. To me that is the most critical step in healing our marriage. Is this normal or should I be saying enough is enough? I have prayed about this and one minute I feel that God is telling me to go and then the next I am feeling like he is saying stay.

What type of affair was it?

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