Recovery Library PreviewOften times in recovery, betrayed spouses are frustrated as their unfaithful spouse won't take action. Today, I offer ways to deal with this refusal to get help.
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They get to Say no, but Life is going to Change
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Comments
wow
Samuel
Wow just the most amazing blog post
The problem I have is that I really don't ever feel I had that negotiation option - maybe I did but my self esteem was too low to execute it
But his parents did the same thing and he "invited" me to divorce him for adultery (???) so I have done so
And since I have tried to introduce "consequences" but because he "knows how it goes" having watched his parents do it; it feels like he is telling me that divorce is the norm and I am an idiot not to know how these things work
So I feel crushed by this alternate reality which is never what I anticipated when we got married
But somehow i feel that the unhealthiness of his approach means that divorce has to be right even tho I am mortified that this is the path i am led down and that is what my 5 year old boy and 6 yr old girl are witnessing
thank you so much for your blog and honesty
joanna...
Courage
Samuel,
After 3 months of living with his affair I took matters in my own hands, retained a lawyer and served him with papers. It came to a point where I was so consumed with despair, I had no other choice. Living with the affair was no longer an option. It certainly was a shock to him! The life we built together for our children was sadly coming to an end because of his behaviour and I was ready to end it, after 28 years together, it felt surreal that I had the courage to do it. He suddenly stopped the affair, begged me to reconsider and go to counselling. It's been 3 months since I served him papers and we're still in weekly counselling. Our therapist says we need to mourn the loss of our old marriage, it's dead. But we now have the ability to rebuild. I'm still grieving and everyday is a struggle. My husband has become a different person since that dreadful night and is willing to help me along with my difficult journey. We are moving forward at a snail's pace. Thanks for your blog.
so great Anna Lisa...
Samuel,
Samuel,
Thanks for your support!
Today was particularly dark for me, not sure what triggered the flooding and anger. He doesn't know how to help me because he says he doesn't know my pain. This phase is extremely frustrating, painful and exhausting. Is this normal behaviour after 3 months for the betrayed? It feels like it just happened yesterday. Thanks for your help!
Hi Anna Lisa. I'm in that
Hi Anna Lisa. I'm in that same exact situation now.. 28 years together, 3 months of betrayal.. Did your marriage survive? If so, is it stronger than before? Everyone tells me I need to take action. I agree that I can't allow him to come and go as he pleases.. As you know, it's a struggle..
Now what?
Samuel,
Thank you for your insight. I asked my husband to invest more in this process by reading a book and doing the activities in the book or going to an EMS weekend. He seems to think that he is the exception to the process and that he could "go through the motions" and it would not work. So, he is gone. He says he intends to be back in 2 weeks. He says he needs to be broken and that he is too comfortable in our home. Can you offer some guidance for me? He has broken ties with the AP, but still sees her at work. I told him if he confides in her or turns to her for comfort, it is over. I cannot go through that again, although I am only going on his word that he won't do that - whatever that is worth.
What boundaries can I set for me and my 7 and 9 year old? What can I do to protect us from what is sure to be a roller coaster of emotions? What if he is not broken in 2 weeks? What on earth do I do now? I love him still.
sorry for the delay MCB...
Thank you
I have read the "tough love" book and between that and the AR website that is really why he left. I opened the door, so to speak. We have been living in this "pretend normal" for several months now and he continues to see a therapist weekly. He did cut off the relationship with the AP, but sees her at work which wrecks me every Monday. I am grateful for him seeing the therapist and I do believe he stopped the relationship. I have been so very patient, but I basically said that I need to be a part of the recovery. My pain and healing needs to be addressed as well, or you have to go. I asked for him to be uncomfortable in the process or uncomfortable in a hotel somewhere. He chose the latter. I cannot force him to love me or be considerate of my pain. I cannot force him to stay. Although God is not responding to some very specific prayers I have been screaming up to heaven lately, at least He has not let my heart become hard. I know He is still with me. My God loves me and I will be OK. I just want to know what to do if my husband does ask to come back. Obviously, there are no guarantees here, but what sort of "rules" need to be established for him to come back. One minute I feel like a fool for putting myself in this position, the next I feel bold and scrappy for making him make a choice (not the one I wanted, but still a choice). What do I do if he calls and wants to come home?
ultimatums
Thank you Samuel for all of your blogs and efforts! They are truly a God send.
Without going too in depth at the moment I would like to know what your advice is when dealing with physical intimidation. Within the last six months our life has fallen to shambles...after discovery of my husband's online chatting and sexting with other women plus viewing of porn (that is all I know about right at the moment) plus a long history of deception over many other things in life, things have spiraled out of control. During that discovery my husband became very angry and aggressive and put his hands on me. shoving, pushing and putting his hands around my neck. He left bruises. He has also had a history of being very temperamental but not ever getting to the above point. He left the house and wanted to return but I would not let him hoping it would encourage him to seek help like I have asked him to do. I wasn't in the beginning interested in going to an expert together until he took care of himself. This uprooted our teenage children's lives and caused them much confusion and pain. after several months without him receiving any help I was backed into a corner and had to let him back in. The children were suffering and we were going to lose our home because he had began to use money to control me. He would no longer pay for the children or the bills and it was a constant struggle. No he is in the home and we are in separate bedrooms with him still controlling the money but now paying for the kids again. I have requested that he start seeing a therapist and he has been to maybe two appointments but believes he already knows how to solve his problems. I also requested that we go see an expert together and he refuses. He is pushing me to say I want to stay married and to get back to being "normal" without real change or expert help. If I do not comply he becomes very angry and aggressive and at times with words or actions tries to intimidate me. I believe I have implemented change but to no avail. It is so hard on the children and I am not exactly sure what to do at this point. The less i comply the more angry he becomes. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you for all of your help.
Two and a half years
When I found out about the five year long affair with a co-worker as well as multiple 'pseudonym forays' into Ashely Madison, Zoosk and a few porn 'dating' sites (he says he 'curious' and would never take action on those.Sure, I believe that- NOT), one of the stipulations I had in staying was that he go to counseling, I go to counseling, then WE go to counseling and that he find someone to be transparent with and accountable to, other than ME. It was his idea to attend the EMS weekend 5 months after discovery. He went to counseling for about 9 months. His counselor was out of network, and didn't take insurance so the cost was a hardship and he kind of hit a wall with him in that it wasn't really doing anything. So he quit. That was about a year and a half ago. I continued going to my counselor and she helped me not only in the throes of despair but in also dealing with MY issues, apart from the affair. When I bring up couples counseling, the fact that he agreed to get counseling to figure out the WHY of the affair and that he agreed to find someone to be accountable to, and he balks. He's fine with how things are. He's moved on. He lost his job where the AP works (lay offs...a Godsend, really), we've moved to a new home in a new town, he has a new job...he says he will never hurt me like that again, hurt US like that again. And he feels thats all that needs to happen. When we went to EMS, I stated that we were all on our best behavior because of the newness of the pain and the guilt, and my fear was that if he didn't get to the bottom of what happened, if we didn't get some kind of help to rewire our relationship, things would slowly slowly morph back into 'the comfortable'...which it has. He doesn't want counseling for us. I do. I feel I just haven't been able to move forward. I know he's not looking to have an affair. I know the pain he's caused is preventing him from going online again. Things are "ok" with us. But I am constantly unsettled and although the pain has lessened, knowing just how awful he felt for hurting me, thoughts still pervade, images still pop up especially while being intimate, with no resolution and I just wondering if I should give an ulimatum that we go to couples counseling with someone well versed in affairs, and to get an accountability person- or insist he hold up his end of the bargain, or do I accept things as they are, remember that I chose forgiveness and work harder at "moving on"?
diana0905....blunt but kind thoughts for you...
ultimatum
Oh gosh, blunt? Heavens no. Blunt is good. Blunt is just what we need because when something like this happens, blunt brings us back to reality. And I have to say, after I wrote this, I decided to get blunt with him. I was a mess all day long because I am usually so worried about 'making waves' and somehow I feel I'm over reacting or that by saying something I will make him uncomfortable all over again. But my soul tells me that I am right. There is a reason my heart is still dealing with this, that I'm still having issues with flooding and betrayal, and that's because we haven't really dealt wtih it or learned what happened, exactly. No, correction- other than saying "I was selfish" HE hasn't learned what happened, exactly. He hasn't looked deeper than that at all. And once 'the coast was clear'...no changes needed to be made-other than keeping his nose clean- and we can move on and coast back into the old way of doing things.
So, he came home from work...took one look at me and asked what was wrong. And I took a deep breath and let him have it. Not in a yelling way, but a firm way. He didn't keep his end of the bargain. It's time he did. I've been patient. I don't want to be like we were. I don't want to have that old way of relating. We're in a new house, in a new town, he's in a new job. I want a new way of relating to each other. I don't want what we had. I want better. We are not like everyone else. We can never go back and undo what's happened. It will always be part of our history. There is always going to be a part of me that feels pain.Besides, I don't want to be the same. I'm tired. Very tired.
So, after trying to pull a bit of guilt trip ("Sometimes I wonder if we're even going to be together in 5 years"..."Why are you bringing this up again? I thought we were past this"..."I thought you finally trusted me again") he agreed to start going to a mens group called "Battleground" at a church we've been visiting. I'm praying for God to put someone in his path that can show him HOW to be transparent with this. He also agreed to move toward counseling...I told him he has 4 weeks to find someone. I am searching for a counselor nearby who has experience in affair recovery. And I'm going to hold him to it. I can't live like this. I want better for me- for us. He's been distant since then, but I'm holding my ground. Its not my job to make him feel better about any of this. Thanks for being an encouragement. Keep on doing this very good work that you do.
diana0905
This is something I'll have
This is something I'll have to do but really don't know how. Five years after having an affair with her high school sweetheart and having to deal with that, she's in yet another affair; this time with a guy who's 15 years older. I fully believe that she thinks she holds all of the cards because of me not wanting our two kids to go through what I did growing up (my parents divorcing at a young age). On top of that, her name's on the house and with me not making all that much $$$, I really cannot afford to pay rent, child support, car note on a vehicle she drives, student loans, etc. on my current salary. She knows deep down that I'll be the one getting killed in family court while she has me subsidizing her mortgage in the form of child support and paying for any vacations she and her new boyfriend may want to take. What to do in this kind of situation???
I don't want to be in a
I don't want to be in a senario of a parent talking to a child, which is what this sounds like. " If you don't do xyz, this will be the consequence." I also know that some will consider this "controlling.". Is that ok??? I feel like I've had to mother my husband for 29 years and he has accused me of being controlling for 29 years. I wouldn't have needed to act like a mother to him if he had behaved like an adult and I wouldn't have needed to come off as controlling if he had learned to make proper choices in our marriage.
here are some resources for you...
https://www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founders/how-get-mate-cooperate
https://www.affairrecovery.com/survivors/samuel/why-does-my-unfaithful-spouse-say-im-too-controlling
https://www.affairrecovery.com/survivors/samuel/when-ultimatum-necessary-healing-infidelity
hope those help you understand what may be needed right now.
Manipulation of ultimatum.
I gave my spouse the choice, cut off contact with AP and go to counseling and see if we can save our marriage or you need to leave. I gave him till 6pm on Monday. We did this during our counseling session. Well at 6pm he said he couldn’t decide. We really hadn’t talked about the affair, just been trying to give him time to realize how stupid this was. But I underestimated the aggressiveness of the AP and I overestimate my husband’s ability to do the right thing. I let 6 turn into 11 while he paced around and I ignored him. He refused to leave that night. He slept in my sons bed. The counselor felt that him staying showed his intentions and instead of packing his bag let him talk. So I did.... he turned the whole thing around and made leaving his idea. Said he would tell the kids we were working through some things and then maybe try to come by this weekend. I was so mad I let him turn the tables by not holding my ground in Monday. I ended up writing him a letter as a last ditch effort to get the upper hand. I made sure he knew him leaving meant he chose his AP over his family and he was not welcome home until he ended it. I also told him he was not going to come and go as he pleased. That we would discuss time with kids at counseling on Monday but until then or unless he choses to end it he wasn’t coming home but I still feel like it backfired. He doesn’t want to look at the whole picture of what he is doing. Said this is about him being happy. Somehow he has been miserable for 14 years. I have been a terrible wife while he has been a perfect husband. And all the efforts I’ve made in the past 6 weeks to understand what he needed to feel loved and wanted was me putting on just to lure him back. As soon as he ends it I’ll go right back to before. He’s afraid to lose her and not me. I’ve somehow lead him to believe I’ll be here to take him back whenever he decides he wants to come back. He’s only known this girl for 4 months!! How can I regain some control?
Manipulation of ultimatum.
I gave my spouse the choice, cut off contact with AP and go to counseling and see if we can save our marriage or you need to leave. I gave him till 6pm on Monday. We did this during our counseling session. Well at 6pm he said he couldn’t decide. We really hadn’t talked about the affair, just been trying to give him time to realize how stupid this was. But I underestimated the aggressiveness of the AP and I overestimate my husband’s ability to do the right thing. I let 6 turn into 11 while he paced around and I ignored him. He refused to leave that night. He slept in my sons bed. The counselor felt that him staying showed his intentions and instead of packing his bag let him talk. So I did.... he turned the whole thing around and made leaving his idea. Said he would tell the kids we were working through some things and then maybe try to come by this weekend. I was so mad I let him turn the tables by not holding my ground in Monday. I ended up writing him a letter as a last ditch effort to get the upper hand. I made sure he knew him leaving meant he chose his AP over his family and he was not welcome home until he ended it. I also told him he was not going to come and go as he pleased. That we would discuss time with kids at counseling on Monday but until then or unless he choses to end it he wasn’t coming home but I still feel like it backfired. He doesn’t want to look at the whole picture of what he is doing. Said this is about him being happy. Somehow he has been miserable for 14 years. I have been a terrible wife while he has been a perfect husband. And all the efforts I’ve made in the past 6 weeks to understand what he needed to feel loved and wanted was me putting on just to lure him back. As soon as he ends it I’ll go right back to before. He’s afraid to lose her and not me. I’ve somehow lead him to believe I’ll be here to take him back whenever he decides he wants to come back. He’s only known this girl for 4 months!! How can I regain some control?
No Consequences
My D-Day was less than a month ago after she had already told me she wanted to be separated within the house only about a month before that. Her affair didn't last long, but she said it gave her the confidence to be who she really is. She moved out not long after that and is now in another relationship that she thinks could work long term. She has already told me she is done and wants a divorce, just doesn't care about the paperwork happening right now. She left the kids with me and isn't looking to have 50/50 custody. So I don't feel like I have any consequences to threaten her with. I pray God will make something happen to wake her up, but she just tells me that no matter how I feel about her that I need to just be friends and an amicable co-parent. She says I would get to meet the guy before the kids meet him, but that she would get to decide when they meet him even though we would discuss it. She has turned my whole upside down with almost no warning when we should have been celebrating 10 years of marriage soon. How can she just throw it all away so easily? I am enrolled for when the next Harboring Hope class opens thankfully. Is there anything else I can do?