Q&A How Do I Deal with My Husbands Fantasy Attraction?

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Question: 

I am the betrayed spouse and my husband was unfaithful over a 5 month period with 2 women. We are about 18 months post D-day and have been married 19 years. My husband was immediately remorseful and has been on board for recovery work since I found out. Our situation is a bit unique in that he was seeking a particular fantasy when he was acting out with these two women. He has always had this fantasy and I've been aware of it all of our marriage. In the beginning years of our marriage I would try to participate in the fantasy by tying him up, however over time I began to have difficulty with it as it seemed that anytime I did it, it was all he could think about and that he lost interest in me. It seemed he just fixated on the bondage more. Even though he did ask for this from me it is something he's felt a lot of shame about throughout his life. As it became an issue for us, he stopped asking for it and talking about it. We have come a long ways in marriage counseling and our communication has improved greatly. I can see the beginning of a 'new' marriage that people talk about. However, on this issue we are stuck. The fantasy is still there for my husband and he keeps wishing it would go away but it won't. We try to talk about it so he doesn't feel isolated in his thoughts but beyond that I think we just feel stuck. I don't really want to make this fantasy come true for him and he feels frustrated with constant thoughts about it. Do you have any advice? Are there therapies to try to help minimize it? It has felt like a compulsion to me and certainly fell into that during his acting out. How do we resolve this issue?

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