Q&A Are My Expectations Reasonable?

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My husband and I have been together for 27 years married 24 with two children. Our entire marriage has been one of intimate anorexia from my spouse that I could never understand (I just recently found this definition). December 21, 2017 was our main D-Day, when I forced out of him that he had a pornography and masturbation addiction since he was 10-11 (trickle feed has been our unwanted companion). His parents were neither nurturing nor available. Articles, blogs and vlogs describe him/us perfectly. There was also an emotional affair 10 years ago, two years in length, that he just recently admitted to. Besides porn use, which he says he hasn't acted out since December 2017, infidelity revolves around female coworkers, who he seems to gravitate towards. As soon as there is any appreciation shown he seems to latch on to the emotional buffet offered. Leading up to and since D-Day, consistently there have been boundaries broken, deleted texts, omission of contact, falling back on excuses and blame shifting (it is always because of my insecurities). We struggle with his defensiveness, continued manipulation of truth, and omissions. He does "work" and will say the right things, but his actions don't match his words. We have had other family/marriage challenges but most of the betrayal centers around his inability to be honest, with himself nor anyone else. Even though I feel that if he could learn to be honest with himself the rest would come into focus for us both, I am not sure if this is the right attitude or expectation. Is Honesty the core issue that will help correct the destructive behavior pattern or are these all separate and need to be treated separately? I'm looking for help understanding what is reasonable to look for. I don't feel safe yet and am trying to find my footing. We are signed up for EMSO and I am looking forward to starting HH. I am tired and broken by the 24 year emotional roller coaster and truly question my reality daily, finding myself asking, "is this real?" often.



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