Q&A Can I Ever Get Passed Sharing My Daughter with the Affair Partner?

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Question: 

I don't know what the fate of my marriage will be, but I do know that co-parenting my daughter with my husband and his affair partner is unfortunately a possibility. His affair partner was one of my best friends and we often had play dates with our children. I welcomed her into my life in every way, knowing she was unhappy in her own marriage. Now, she seems to want the life that was mine. She wants to move in with him and be a family. He has been ambivalent for two years. My question is, can I ever move past having to share my daughter with them, with her? She knows she has shattered my life. I just see red when I think of her being a part of my daughter's future. Maybe her wedding, first child etc....it feels like I would never be able to be free. I don't want my daughter around the woman who stabbed her mother in the back. It just feels like a cruel joke. How could I ever be ok with that outcome? I want to confront her, but I don't because of the fear of messing up any chance to save my marriage. I should also mention she thinks he is exclusively with her. He's not. He's been with me on and off but won't tell her out of fear of losing his connection with her.

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Thread of hope

There are so many similarities with how my situation was. I would say by keeping the door open for him you are facilitating his abusing you both. Give him an ultimatum and mean it. And know if he is lying to her their relationship is doomed - it sounds like he wants to have his cake and eat it. I told my husband he could leave but would never see me again as if he left I would then only act in my best interests- it was all or nothing and that horrified him. In the end he went to live (when I asked him to leave) with the AP and had to to realize all he lost - and now he’s finally left her Physically and emotionally I’m open to a new marriage with him. You are thinking too far ahead re your daughter- you have enough to think of today so stick to that. While you are married it’s not appropriate for your daughter to see the AP so take comfort for today and don’t anticipate pain for the years ahead or you will be letting fear and pain rule you when you need to be open to Gods healing love.

Thread of hope

There are so many similarities with how my situation was. I would say by keeping the door open for him you are facilitating his abusing you both. Give him an ultimatum and mean it. And know if he is lying to her their relationship is doomed - it sounds like he wants to have his cake and eat it. I told my husband he could leave but would never see me again as if he left I would then only act in my best interests- it was all or nothing and that horrified him. In the end he went to live (when I asked him to leave) with the AP and had to to realize all he lost - and now he’s finally left her Physically and emotionally I’m open to a new marriage with him. You are thinking too far ahead re your daughter- you have enough to think of today so stick to that. While you are married it’s not appropriate for your daughter to see the AP so take comfort for today and don’t anticipate pain for the years ahead or you will be letting fear and pain rule you when you need to be open to Gods healing love.