Q&A Does the Length of the Affair Have Implications for Our Recovery?

Submitted by Leslie_Hardie Wed, 06/03/2020 - 11:21

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Question: 

I am concerned about the length of my husband’s affair with his co-worker and what implications it has for us and his recovery. We are 4 months from D-day when I discovered he had a 20 year emotional and sexual affair. He just ended the relationship. After the affair partner’s divorce she began to demand more from him, wanting him to divorce me. She began to “turn the screws” and he had no intention of leaving me and our family life. He claims that’s he is relieved that it is over and would not return to her even if we did not stay together. They still work together. I think it was easy to continue the affair because they worked together in addition to his self-absorption and sense of entitlement. I imagine that any length of an affair is devastating, but are there other issues to be aware of?

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The option is always there, though...

Submitted by [name hidden] on

I am in a similar situation with my husband who still works with his AP. I believe him when he says its over and I believe the nature of the relationship was very much like Rick describes. But these decisions he made, horrible and destructive decisions, during times of stress in our marriage or even stress in his own life don't magically disappear just because he thinks he is recommitted to me and to us. I'm so afraid that I'm going to feel like I have to be the perfect and attentive wife, building the perfect and peaceful home, and watch him carefully for signs of discontent. Because this woman will always be there waiting for cracks in his armor and in our marriage to lure him back to some momentary joy and pleasure. That's too much pressure for me and could make me live in an inauthentic way which would destroy me ultimately. I don't want him to have to quit his job but I don't know if I will ever feel safe with them working together.

Totally agree with you

Submitted by [name hidden] on

This is where I struggle as well. My significant other still works with his AP too. They hooked up in 2011, he met me in 2012 and it stopped for a bit, but then after I had our son in 2014 it started up again. I found out in 2016 and that was when we initially split but we were on again off again during that time. We were seriously dating up until about a month ago at which point i just lost it, demanding he leave the job. He says he doesn't want anything to do with her, he will never cheat again, and is even seeking new employment, but now we are taking time off again. I just don't know how to trust him there for the time being. If i could, we'd probably be together right now but I just can't. I hope HH helps me get through this!

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