Q&A How Can I Express Hurt and Anger but Not Shame My Spouse?

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Question: 

Can you help me understand how to express my hurt and anger while still maintaining respect for my spouse and not shaming them? We are one year into recovery and overall doing well. We are both committed to recovery. As a betrayed spouse I don't want to shame my spouse. He feels like sometimes I cross that line when we talk about what has happened, even if I am not calling him names or belittling him. Can you help me understand the line between expressing how his actions have hurt me and shaming him for the things he has done? He sometimes feels that I am shaming him when I say things like "it really hurt me when you did this with that person". Sometimes in anger I say variations of "you did this with that person!" and I think that could be shaming. It would be really helpful to me if you could give me a little more clarification or examples.

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