Q&A How can I Set Boundaries Without Fear of Him Returning to the Affair Partner?

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I'm not sure if my husband's affair is emotional becoming sexual with marriage deficit and/or resulting from sexual addiction. It does not follow the regular pattern of sexual addiction (no porn,etc) except there has been years of emotional/physical withdrawal from me and supplementing masturbation. He says the affair was because we didn't have sex frequently enough but we have slept in separate bedrooms for years by his choice starting when I was pregnant. He says he is finished with his AP (3 years, 2 years very satisfying sex) but has repeatedly said if we can't have sex every other day (preferably every day) he can't stay with me. There is a large disconnect between affection and sex for him, he has not been very affectionate for years but has demanded sex. His childhood was traumatic, alcoholic father who is sober now and who he idolized, critical mother and troubled uncle who his parents rescued and brought into the home who bullied him for 4 years (no sexual abuse). I feel we could tackle the marriage deficits (I tried for years, counseling, books, marriage weekends that never happened) but the sexual demands are more than I can take after the very sexual 2 year affair he had (he has stated many times I don't like sex (I do) and she really liked sex). What boundaries do I set without him running off to her again to get his fix?



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