Q&A How Can I Trust My Husband in the Future If Only He and I Know?

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Following our Harboring Hope lesson on forgiveness I've realized that in the past I've minimized, glossed over things, and found excuses for my husband's infidelity. I now realize I'd forgiven the narrative I'd constructed rather than the reality of our situation. For about the last 20 years of our 27 year marriage he has had an emotional affair with his secretary which has become a sexual affair on a number of occasions, each lasting 2-3 years. Each time it's discovered because he's been careless with hotel receipts, e-mails, notes, etc. The last two sexual affairs happened after they stopped working together and he was the one who made contact with her. Now, as I think about my list of things I intend and hope I can forgive, I'm struck that he and I are the keepers of these secrets. He has never told anyone about his affairs with her and I have only told two close friends and then on only two of the occasions. I am worried that whilst only he and I know, if things start to slide for him in the future or when the next challenge appears in his life, he could start to blame me and off we go again as he runs back to his affair partner. So the question is, given that I don't want to be his 'keeper' how realistic is it to think that he can manage the future without someone to confide in and how safe can I ever really feel with him if he doesn't have any accountability partners? He is doing Hope for Healing, is working hard at it, and I do see changes, but I am worried that without someone outside us to talk to he will relapse again.



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