Q&A How Do I Counter the Serious Assault on My Self Esteem?

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Question: 

One thing I’m grappling with in my recovery is how I was viewed by my spouse during the affair. I may not be perfect, but during my marriage I have strived to be loving, encouraging and supportive to my wife’s personal growth and her desire to explore outside interests. We would engage in outings and outside activities we were mutually interested in. Smothering or controlling behavior was not my style. Being there to pick up additional family or household duties from time to time to give her room for growth or time for herself was something i assumed was normal and being a good spouse. My shock after D-Day was that I was actually viewed as an obstruction to my wife’s happiness in her “fantasy life”. During her affair, she could hardly wait for me to leave for work or take the kids to various functions so she could communicate or be with the affair partner. The goal was for her to escape the “real world” with me and our family to enter the “fantasy world” with the affair partner (and yes, she certainly “affaired down”). The reality was that our family life was pretty good, all things considered (a viewpoint supported by our therapist and friends). I’m left believing that a real life with me was a burden and worthless in the eyes of the one who I loved, cherished and honored above all others. Any suggestions to counter what amounts to be a serious assault on one’s self esteem and sense of self-worth?

Sections: 

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RL_Media Type: 

Self ESTEEM

She had to blame you so that she could get past their own shame and guilt. If you are the “enemy” then she can justify what she was doing & can play the “victim”
If it’s all your fault, they don’t need to take ownership in their actions, decisions & choices. After all, what were they to do?
In the same boat (BW) it’s all the same pain in the end.

Self ESTEEM

She had to blame you so that she could get past their own shame and guilt. If you are the “enemy” then she can justify what she was doing & can play the “victim”
If it’s all your fault, they don’t need to take ownership in their actions, decisions & choices. After all, what were they to do?
In the same boat (BW) it’s all the same pain in the end.

Self ESTEEM

She had to blame you so that she could get past their own shame and guilt. If you are the “enemy” then she can justify what she was doing & can play the “victim”
If it’s all your fault, they don’t need to take ownership in their actions, decisions & choices. After all, what were they to do?
In the same boat (BW) it’s all the same pain in the end.