Q&A How Do I Heal?

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Question: 

My husband of 23 years had a 1 year affair with an ex-girlfriend from high school who lives across the country. It was an emotional affair where they communicated every day as well as a physical affair where they met up for 3 nights in Las Vegas. Unfortunately, I cannot unread the detailed and graphic emails, or un-see the lewd images of the AP. His pornography addiction had escalated to him acting out with someone who provided him with a version of his own personalized pornography. How to deal with the words that I read where he unjustly vilified me and irrationally held the AP above me? Since our D-day in March 2018, we have done a lot of recovery work (EMS, HH, H4H, MFL week #24, individual & couples therapy). He is remorseful and I see change in him. I am still struggling and at this point, am staying to work on our marriage for the sake of our children. I am working hard on forgiveness which is something I have to do for my own healing, however those hurtful words he wrote about me and the mean way he treated me during the affair period still sting and are holding me back from re-building and moving forward. Whenever I need to talk to him about the affair period, he goes into a dark place and withdraws, leaving me feeling abandoned once again. I see at my husband differently now and wonder if the deep love and respect that I was held for him will have ever return.

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I had a fantasy of scrubbing

I had a fantasy of scrubbing my husband's hands/fingers until I scrubbed the skin off, just to get rid of the feeling of touching her. I never shared that with him, nor did I dwell on that fantasy, but it would come to mind once in a while.

This past week he was doing some sanding work, and without realizing it he sanded off the top skin of his finger tips. I shared with him what I'd thought, how I'd never have asked him to or anything, but how it had made my heart smile when he told me he'd sanded off his skin. That sounds terrible to type, but it was such a sweet moment for me as only God knew of my desire.

I have had to work through the feelings of sexual trauma and feeling violated because he had sex with me while he was with his AP, and it did bring up feelings similar to rape. It has been intense, and there are still days that are hard, but ett and finding a cleansing ritual have been helpful for me.

This was meant to be posted

This was meant to be posted on a different topic! Sorry!