Q&A How Do I Reconnect to the Good Memories?

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Question: 

I recently watched Samuel's video blog about an unfaithful spouse's tendency to rewrite the history of the marriage. This certainly happened to me -- my husband repeatedly told me that there were problems right from day one, he never had any agency in the relationship, we always had this toxic co-dependency and, from what I could tell, our marriage never had anything good about it. I found this so profoundly hurtful given I could remember that we did have good times and how much I truly and deeply loved him in the first few years of our marriage. While I agreed with him that it was unhealthy and we were both very unhappy and disconnected in the year or two leading up to his affair, I knew intellectually he was being so negative about our marriage to justify why he needed to cheat in the first place, and then continue the relationship with that other woman. Sadly though, after hearing this narrative for 15+ months post D-day, a funny thing happened. I started to believe him. I stopped remembering the good times and became so disconnected from any happy memories or moments that now, when I look at our wedding pictures or any photos where we looked the slightest bit happy, it feels like that wasn't me, it wasn't us. Only in the last few weeks, after I told him that I believe him now, has he started to say that there were good times, that he realizes this now. But I still can't feel it. How do I heal from the damage he did to me with the negative rewriting of our marriage and the gaslighting that he used in doing so? He hates the term 'gaslighting', because I do believe he didn't realize what he was doing. He thinks the lack of malice absolves him without doing recovery work - he didn't mean to hurt me. But it was still so hurtful that I honestly can't remember anything positive anymore. How do I get those good memories back? How do I recapture what this stole from me?

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