Q&A How Much Does Childhood Abandonment Affect Recovery from Infidelity?

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Question: 

We’re 2.5 years out from discovery. We have participated in individual & couples counseling as well as EMS Weekend. I truly feel our marriage is at a much better place even though I thought our marriage was good before the affair. I can see how we’ve both done the work for ourselves & each other and have truly grown. Yet I still get stuck in thoughts about the affair. I still replay parts of what happened before, after & during. While this has gotten better I would get very reactive with tons of crying and yelling when talking about it with him. My counselor consistently tried to get me to go back to dealing with my 12 year old self whose father left the family and married his affair partner whom he is still married to and had 2 other children with but dropped contact with us when I would voice my feelings or concerns or made demands of his time or attention. I would insist the problem wasn’t that but the present state of my marriage and what my husband did. Am I wrong? Is this so much harder for me because it’s touched on my old wounds? Would connecting it minimize my husband’s responsibility for the pain he caused me? How can I deal with the past when I’m consumed by the present?

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