Q&A What Am I Trying to Save Here?

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I’m confused by my husband’s behavior not matching his words. He says he’ll do everything he can to save our marriage. He says he “gets it” & knows how badly he’s hurt me. BUT, for over 28 months he’s been slow-walking & inconsistent in recovery work. He hasn’t finished any books. Doesn’t research any of the excellent videos from Affair Recovery on his own. Doesn’t want to hear about my pain or help me heal. He does the least amount possible to sort of “check off the boxes”. I don’t feel wanted, pursued, valued, or any desperation on his part to not lose me, help me to feel safe or reconnect with me. He says all kinds of wonderful things but with no action or follow through. He’s taking Hope for Healing but everything is still about him. I’m not a priority in his life. How do I get through to him that he’s losing me? I’m still waiting for him to prove he’s safe enough to even begin to try to trust what he’s saying. Without action or trying to help me heal, I can’t get to “going forward”. There’s been no repair, no restitution, no interest in my needs even though I’ve made it clear what I’m feeling. What am I trying to save here?



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I could've written the same..

I could've written the same.. except it has been over 5 years for us. Sadly. I feel my spouse is a covert narcissist, or perhaps, he was outed before he was ready to admit or come fully clean. I asked him to fight for us. He gave it a go for a time, and it quickly diminished into box checking. He is not sane when approached about the affairs. No matter how hard I try to word it well. I am seeing a therapist that deals with ptsd and betrayal trauma, and have stayed thus far, for my kids. But there is zero trust rebuilding, and I'm numb to him. I realize, unless there is a miracle or heart change, my husband will not be able to show empathy or transparency. Prayers and hugs to you...

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