How Do I Handle My Lack of Sexual Desire?

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Question: 

I have developed an aversion to sex. The thought of sex makes my body bristle and my heart ache. I believe it’s from two decades of mostly one-sided obligatory sex, my husband’s affairs, porn use, sexual addiction, and the emotional abuse that goes along with it. I’m a faithful wife. We are in EMSO and my husband and I are trying to work the process. I have decided I can no longer have sex when I do not want to, and I have explained my pain and feelings to my husband. We haven’t had sex for a few months. He still expresses his desire for sex, which further alienates me by making it seem like he wants to have sex knowing that it will hurt me. I don’t know what to do. I’m catching myself debating on giving him obligatory sex to keep the peace, yet wondering how to help him understand the intense pain I feel when he wants what brings me pain. How can we ever reconcile this? Please don’t suggest “Come as you are” or “Restoring the Pleasure”. I’ve read both of them. Great info, but doesn’t address the core issue—the fact that besides creating our kids, sex has only brought pain into my life. I’d like to return this “gift” back to the sender.

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Lack of Desire

To me it seems to be tied to that sense of safety and love. But you’re right, it somehow doesn’t seem to be what it should be or even what it was- even when the desire is there.