Q&A How Can I Accept What My Mate Is Telling Me?

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Question: 

In our case, it was an affair where my husband wanted our relationship and the affair. He had a separate life and social circle with the affair partner. The affair partner was an ex-girlfriend. The affair lasted 3 years and started 1 year into our relationship. How do we move on from here? I cannot continue to listen to him tell me she considered herself a girlfriend not a mistress, she was his best friend, he loved her, and defend her character. He has told me that he hurt the affair partner too and tries to get me to feel sorry for her. He told me that the affair was more about the emotions and shared interests but they also had an active sex life. I was horrified that he risked my health through unprotected sex and asked that he get tested for STDs. He told me he didn’t need to because of the affair partner’s good moral character and she only had sex with him. I’m the one who got tested. He made my legitimate health concern about something else and missed the opportunity to make me feel safe. I believe that the affair only ended because someone told the affair partner about me and seriously doubt that he would have ended the affair on his own. He uses language that makes the affair seem nicer than it is. He calls her by name or his friend and calls the affair a relationship. It feels like he is minimizing the devastation he caused me. I am committed to trying to move forward with him but I need to feel like he chose me and loves only me. I can’t imagine spending the rest of my life with a man who loves another person. I can’t believe he is being honest with me. For years I got one version of the truth and the affair partner got another. How can I accept what he says now? I am so close to giving up. It would be easier for me to move forward and heal from the pain on my own. Is there any hope? Will he be able to give me what I need? How can he make me feel like he chose me?

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