Q&A How Can I Help My Mate Create Safety in Our Recovery?

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Question: 

It’s been a year since the last disclosure. My husband is towards the end of the Hope for Healing. I also took Harboring Hope. My husband is trying to help more around the house and with our four children. The problem is, if I or the kids don’t “notice” his efforts we are treated badly. He’ll say “if you don’t care then I won’t bother”. This behavior is exhausting. Mostly he minimizes the hurtful behavior, or says he didn’t do it at all. I’m just not built for these games. Why is he doing this? Doesn’t he understand this does not build safety with me. He brushes it off and will say “I love you, those details don’t matter”. But they do to me. If he can just rewrite history to favor him, then what does that say about the remorse he has for those actions? They don’t exist to him anymore. What do I do? I want to have safety with my husband but it’s not going to happen this way!

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