We're striving towards reconciliation, but struggle at times. The core reason being that for most our relationship we've had a codependent and verbally abusive relationship. With me being the conflict-avoidant codependent. I accept I took the worst possible path, instead of dealing with our problems, I created more problems that have hurt my wife, kids, and family. I do not blame my wife for my choices. I'm committed to healing and honesty and have cut off all contact with my affair partner. I want to give us every chance we can to create the family we both dreamed of.... Yet, the truth remains, she has been verbally and emotionally abusive for years. Seeing the reality of our situation, I want to move forward in a healthy and safe relationship for both of us. As a recovering codependent the idea that I have to absorb her anger and "do whatever it takes" for 2 years, screams of another destructive cycle of codependence and abuse. I accept she is in a state of trauma, and have not told her directly that the way she's handled her anger and frustration for many years is abusive. However, if we both don't feel safe, we'll continue to struggle. In a situation like this how can we move forward in a healthy and safe way?