Q&A How Do I Get My Anger under Control?

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Question: 

We finished EMSO several weeks ago and are now in MFL. I often feel as though I am not healed even though it has been 19 months since D-day one and eleven months since the second D-Day. I still get so angry. I'll be starting an anger management class soon. When I'm triggered or feeling sad or ambivalent, my husband picks up on it, and wishes I'd feel better, I guess, so then he becomes frustrated with me and an argument ensues. My feelings get hurt, I then feel like he's not being sensitive and I say really mean things about him, his affair partner, and the affair itself. I feel awful afterward. I can't seem to stop myself once I get into that zone. I throw things in his face about what I know that I wish I wouldn't. He's disclosed a lot about the affair. What's wrong with me? Before discovery of his betrayal I was NEVER an angry person. Very even tempered. We've been married 30 years and I absolutely trusted him. His affair lasted 4 years. We have three 20-something adult children living with us and this is a terrible example to set for them. It seems to happen about once a month. This has been such a difficult journey. I thought that I'd forgiven him, but maybe I haven't. You always seem to hone into the real problem. What the heck is wrong with me?

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Resonating

It’s been 6 months for me. I did physically attack and hit him from anger first few months of d day. I’ve been seeing therapist and what I learned is that anger is natural reaction to betrayal and nothing wrong with feeling that way. I just need to channel it to something else. I wear rubber band in my wrist and pinch myself with it before I say or do anything, reminding myself not to say permanently damaging from momental heat. This has helped me take a moment before blasting out as well as keep my voice calmer. I have a 10-year-old daughter who is sensitive to our conversation and tone of our voice especially while I was out of control in managing my emotions, screaming and breaking down after the discovery. We’ve been married 23 years and I too fully trusted him. I think anger management can be effective if you focus, come up with your own tactics to channel anger, and put priority to shield children from our reactions to devastating betrayal.