Q&A How Do I Handle the Injustice of It All?

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Something I do not understand is that the betrayed spouse is the one who bears the pain. They get no pleasure whatsoever in this whole deal. They get no great memories. It seems we are forced into a situation like Jesus where He never responded to their taunts and torture. What is it about the inequality? So much of Christianity is the opposite of what we naturally think. Is there some big spiritual lesson and privilege in being the naïve fool? Aside from eventually healing and the benefits of a better-than-before marriage (which we are starting to experience) why is there so much injustice in all of this? I often have a pity party over this. He had to repent but then came forgiveness and then after a lot or a little time, guilt leaves them for the most part and they get to act and feel normal. I have yet to bury my (his) demons, find peace (normalcy) and build myself up yet. I feel the battle for my mind will go on forever.



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The Injustice of It All

The injustice of it all was a painful video to listen to since I can picture the humiliation and pain of the sins of the world past, present and future being put on Christ for our salvation. I understand how this action could be considered imitating God’s love for us while we were yet sinners.
My issue is that for the many betrayed who were innocent and undeserving, doesn’t the Bible teach that it is all right to divorce yourself from the pain inflicted on you by the unfaithful, unrepentant spouse?
The apology I got when discovering my husband’s double life for 26 years out of 34 years of marriage was, “I didn’t want you to find out.” No remorse, no effort to help with the massive destruction that crushed me. I had tolerated his abusive nature for all those years believing his problem to be entirely alcohol abuse and I felt I was married for better or worse, sickness and health. I feel I have already walked that path for the past 26 years. Now that I am retired, I have to live alone, in fear of losing everything I have worked for during my entire life? How much does God expect? The lies were so many. And his affair partner’s husband is dying of cancer so he can go to her soon. We are separated because he is not safe, not repentant, but he throws around words saying I never stopped loving you. He uses boundaries so I am not permitted to even say it is sin because that is hate talk and makes him feel badly.
I will join the previous writer’s pity party. I have a distant memory of 8 good years of marriage and then he got two DWI's in four months and began the affair with the woman who gave him the alcohol for his second DUI. He had a third DUI four years ago when he had been texting with her while on a business trip. I had struggled a lifetime to forgive him for the drinking problem,as did our daughter. But this makes life feel not worth living. There is no future of a better than ever marriage for me being separated at 65 years old. I have lost 20 pounds in the last 11 weeks and am down to skin and bones because the thought of what he has done is killing me.
I know the answer, I was unequally yoked together with an unbeliever and I have paid for that for a lifetime. I am registered in the next Harboring Hope session and do hope to find healing even though there can not be reconciliation. I am working on forgiving but it is painful. As so many of your videos have said, often the unfaithful gets counseling and the betrayed suffers alone. Even my Christian neighbor who initially was being kind to me, suddenly turned and said some shaming things about what did I do to make him turn away from me? I remained silent, but I wanted to scream I don’t know; I was alive that day – was that enough to make him decide to have an affair?

A personal decision

Many don't ever achieve a healthy emotional state ever again in their lives after infidelity; that is something to consider as how big of a deal betrayal really is and the damage it causes to our soul. I think anybody that survives and thrives after infidelity is a HERO whether they reconcile or not.
Recovery and thriving means that you have forgiven and your are willing to love whether in relationship or out, that recommitment stage has to occur for full recovery.

To me love is not what determines the reconciliation. A soft heart, repentance, remorse and transformation has to occur mainly from the unfaithful sometimes both partners for a new relationship to emerge. To me, recommitting without transformation is possible only when you as the betrayed are willing to deal with the same mentality and behavior from your unfaithful spouse hoping and trusting God that there will be some change, but if it doesn't you are still willing to continue. The other perspective is knowing yourself and your mindset about relationships, is it worthy to you, is it something that you can live with, is it something you value? If not then recommitment will only lead to this injustice feeling and dissatisfaction. Now can you change your mentality, yes, if you are willing because it "makes sense". It "make sense" can only be answered by you. Whatever it is that you value and matters to you is what will make it "make sense". We are not in relationships just to give, the investment is not one sided, the vows are mutual and we would not get married to someone that does not have vows to us as we are to them. We are in relationships because we receive and get the opportunity to give while we create and live a reality we love and aligns to our values, nobody is trying to be Jesus when it comes to relationships, our standards for starting a relationship and staying in relationship are the key to dealing with the injustice if there is reconciliation you have agreed to not look at it that way and value the grace your are giving with acceptance if that is what you want and what you will rationalize without deception to yourself to keep the relationship and the things you value of it.

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-D, Texas