Q&A How Do We Handle Defensiveness?

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I am the betrayed spouse and my husband gets defensive anytime we talk about him having the ability to be unfaithful in general. He had an emotional and physical affair for three years with a married woman we both know. He finds it necessary to make sure I understand that the only reason he cheated is because he found an amazing connection with this particular woman at a time when he was vulnerable and that if she wasn’t in his life at the time he could never have cheated. He acknowledges that there was more to it with him being vulnerable, feeling unloved, dissatisfied, hurt etc. but bottom line is his belief is it happened because it was her. I believe this is a very unhealthy way to approach our recovery and not sure it’s really accurate. He also has not gotten over her and misses her and still loves her. We have been in recovery for 13 months. I’m not sure that will ever change and not sure how I stay married to someone who feels that way about his affair partner and continues to make her so relevant to our situation.



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