Q&A Is This Really a New Beginning?

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Question: 

Hi Rick. I feel I am at the end and need advice from the expert and that’s you. It has been almost a year since initial disclosure. There was more after that but D-day was July.

I have searched my soul, gone through AR programs, my husband is remorseful and wants the marriage, and I want the marriage. However the feeling of deep sadness and disappointment overcome me frequently. We have had good days, a few weeks of calm, and then it settles over me again and I am unable to regain my balance. I felt I had an "affair proofed" marriage, and I know my spouse was well aware what this would do to me and the result would end the marriage so how can there really be a new beginning? I don't really want a new beginning. I want what I had and the honest work that went into the marriage without the affair. I realize that is impossible. I feel stupid for saying that but it’s true. I could accept my husband’s flaws before and still value and cherish him, and continue to pray for continued growth for us and our marriage. But after this affair I am just so gutted. I can't seem to get beyond the fact that it should never have happened at all. He knew what he was doing and lied to me daily for a year. I feel manipulated, foolish, and devalued. His affair partner was exactly the type of woman I felt he wanted but didn't have it in me. I feel that since he went there God is telling me "it is time". I am struggling to make the break but it feels like it is the only road to peace. No one is perfect, but I don't understand how a marriage can really be a marriage after this? An affair nullifies that.

I feel that at least a separation is necessary to gain some perspective. This roller coaster is damaging to both of us. I feel guilty because I’m not a big enough person to accept this. He feels guilty because of what he did. We are at a standstill. Any thoughts?

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