Q&A How Do We Move Forward When the Unfaithful Still Justifies the Affair with Marriage Deficits?

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Question: 

I would like to know, if the letter from the forgiveness lesson you read from the monk, who was told he would be assassinated, would have been more appropriate to the situation of forgiving infidelity, if instead, the monk would have had to forgive a fellow brother from raping and killing his family in front of him and he was rescued before he met the same fate. Add to this, the killer was converted and now wants forgiveness and to live in community with the monk. In my eyes the monk would now need to add recovery to his forgiveness. To die would have been merciful for him and required no restoration or forgiveness. Forgiving something that hasn't happened is different than having to deal with human emotion after the fact. I want to forgive and I understand I should and need to forgive. What I have issues with, is reconciling with him fully knowing he still thinks the deficits in our marriage had something to do with his choice. We are four months into recovery and seem stuck. If it is me, I want to move quickly to deal with myself. If it is something within him, I don't want to open myself up to another hit to my heart. He says he has a lot of guilt and shame and gets defensive quickly when I struggle with sadness or pain that causes me to doubt him or question him. What does moving forward look like with this set of circumstances?

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