Q&A How Do We Overcome Secondary Issues and Address the Infidelity?

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Question: 

It has been 8 months since I walked in on my husband viewing pornography and 4 months since I discovered his emotional affair with a woman from our old gym. We spend the majority of our discussions talking out secondary issues impact our ability to address the infidelity such as; defensiveness, shame, my flooding, and stonewalling. I feel we never address the issues that have brought these avoidance techniques and manipulative response patterns to light. What is at the root of this distraction and how can we get past it to address the issues needed to recover?

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