Q&A How Long Is Long Enough?

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Question: 

How long is long enough…

We are 19 months past D-day and I am the hurt spouse. We’ve completed EMS Online about 8 months ago. We were OK during the course and thereafter but things blew up again mostly due to lack of intimacy from my wife. I have always had much higher sex drive than her so her sexual affair was a complete kick in the head for me. Subsequent to the blow-up, however, a number of old behavioural patterns in our relationship have re-emerged. Silent treatment and inability of my wife to discuss issues - I am predominantly the one bringing matters to the table. Throughout the recovery, I felt always being the one with the initiative to learn, recover, change, heal - my wife seemed passive or passively enthusiastic at best. I need her empathy, understanding and ability to acknowledge the hurt she caused me in order for me to get over the current hump. But I feel that she may not be unable to do so due to either her pride or personality. I am ready to call it quits as I see no hope to expect her to change. I don’t control her – she controls herself. If she does not see the matters as I do and I am unable to describe them such that she does, what else is left? I can’t wait forever hoping that she will get it –it’s unfair to me and to her.

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Wow, this sounds so similar

Wow, this sounds so similar to my situation only my husband had the affair, lacks intimacy, remorse, understanding or any ability to hold himself accountable for his actions. I take it a bit further though to explain my spouse has also been emotionally abusive and taken to the practice of gaslighting me. He began to integrate the various parts of himself together but it must have been too much. At just over a year he regressed to old behaviors, justifying his actions by blaming me. After telling him my fears in a situation and asking for reassurance he flipped out and created a near delusional interpretation of what happened. Then came separation, lies, Facebook account that was kept secret and I was blocked from (because he feared I would cause "drama.").
It's really very sad. It's sad that I still hang on in some way. It's sad that he can't be a whole integrated person. It's sad that my kids are denied a family and a good male role model.