Q&A I want Recovery to Work, but Things Aren't Changing. Will it Get Better?

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Question: 

Adding on to the question "Is this as good as it gets?" . I have done Harboring Hope, read books, and counseling until the councilor told us we wouldn’t progress until my husband was willing to do the hard work to reconnect with his feelings. Rick you said you were "Emotionally constipated" and Stephanie helped you with that after disclosure. I think that my husband is emotionally circumcised. My husband did Hope For Healing..... half way. I saw no change. My husband has suggested that we go to EMS weekend... but we have done EMSO and are still in our Married for life group (for the time being) and really I am not sure that it would help. I want nothing more than to make our marriage work, but I can ever fully heal if things remain how they are now. I made all the compromises I can make. He thinks he has "done enough" to "repair the damage" and that no matter what he does it will never be enough. I have seen other men say and do WHATEVER it s, my husband says that, but never follows through. He does everything halfass, as if our marriage is not worth a full effort. I believe I will always love him, but I can’t keep compromising myself. We are still in the same house due to holidays and my wondering about your statement about people divorcing not being any happier 5 years later. Just not sure I can wait to find out.

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I'm in the same situation..

I'm in the same situation...we have done bothEMSW and EMSO and he did Hope for Healing...I signed up for Harboring Hope a second time because I did not have full disclosure the first time and he has trickle-truthed me for the past three and a half years.... I'm also in individualcounseling and Celebrate Recovery.... and I'm still stuck. The only thing we have not tried is marriage counseling... not sure I'm ready for it. I'm afraid this is as good as it gets. My convictions prevent me from considering divorce, but I feel our covenant marriage ended 20 years ago when he had sex with her for the first time ( his affairs and deception spanned 2 decades) and while we are still married (38 years), it's only a legal marriage, not a loving trusting one.His replies to me are that he can't go back and change anything and let's just make the future better. Good advice.....if I could only get past the pain and be able to rewrite and reconstruct those 20 years of my life that were robbed from me... hes not even trying to help me with that.

I understand your conundrum

Hi Karen, I am the one who posted the "is this as good as it gets question". I have not read the books Rick suggested yet, and I probably would have been a bit put off by his response to my question, except that I know there are some things only God can do (if our husbands will humble themselves and let Him expose and deal with what is preventing the needed breakthrough. We have to trust that God sees ALL, knows all, and He is the only one who can both heal our hearts and break the bondage our husbands are still dealing with. Perhaps He has a plan and purpose that we can't see YET, that will redeem this horrific nightmare! I will include you in my prayers for a marriage miracle!! Be strong, have faith.

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