Q&A Should I Separate From my Unfaithful Spouse?

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My wife had an affair. When we came to EMS Weekend, she was still involved with the AP, unbeknownst to me. She was unrepentant. I have caught her in 3 lies since EMS Weekend resulting in me kicking her out. She attempted to move in with AP after first lie but he wouldn’t agree. After the third, she moved in with him but then moved out after 3 days.

She finally repented the following week, and this time the Holy Spirit revealed to me that it was genuine. She began to change and we have been healing and working on our marriage since. However, there have been some very difficult moments. Most of these are caused by the fact that she is not actively doing what you, and other counselors have said that she needs to do to make me feel safe. I have told her that I would like her to do these things, but I am not going to make her. She is gradually getting better, but is still not spending daily time in the Word and we do well as long as I don't have any problem with her.

Am I being foolish? Should I kick her out? Or perhaps give her an ultimatum? Or should I just be patient? I would rather that she just loves me enough to want to do what she should. My fear is that if I simply wait, and she never does any of the things I need to feel safe, then she will never fully change, and I may never fully trust her.

Here is what I would like for her to do:

  1. Have a daily quiet time with the Lord.
  2. Keep close accounts with me about where she is going and who she is with. For example, text me when she leaves for work. Maybe send me a picture of where she is.
  3. Turn on her phone's locator service so I can check when I feel the need. She turned it off when she found out I could do that.
  4. Change her job location. She works at a place where everyone knows what happened between us, and many of the people there are not a good influence.
  5. Give me her password to Facebook.
  6. Wear her wedding ring everywhere. She is doing this now, but she wasn't.
  7. Get off Facebook altogether for a while.
  8. Find a mentor and accountability partner who will check on her. I don't want to. I just want her to let herself be held accountable to someone.
  9. Spend time with Christian women
  10. Be careful what she watches and listens to. There has been some improvement on this.

Am I being unreasonable? Mostly, I just want her to be willing or even have the desire to do these things. Whenever any of this comes up, which is not often at all, she gets upset that I don't trust her. No freakin' kidding! She lied to my face for months, telling me that she loved me, that we were good, and that her relationship was over. She has even read or heard that honesty and transparency should replace trust, but she doesn't seem to get it yet.



RL_Media Type: 

Thanks for answering

Oh, wow. I submitted this question last April or May, but never realized you answered it.

You were correct, Rick, she was limerent before. And it turns out, that during the time I submitted the question, she was still communicating with her affair partner over the phone on a regular basis. She confessed it to me when I asked her one night in April. But then she didn't stop again, and I found out in July. I was ready to divorce her that time, and called a lawyer. It scared her, and she repented again.

We have had the best year...

Until last week she relapsed, with new men. She is addicted to getting men's approval and started sexting and exchanging pictures/videos with other men, and even went to see one. Once again, she is unrepentant, blaming my past, and unwilling to leave...

I think the divorse really is the only choice now.

I can't spell


What type of affair was it?

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