Q&A My Husband Refuses to Sever Ties with his AP. What do you Suggest I do?

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My husband's infidelity spanned over about a two year period and we remained together but it was one big emotional roller coaster. More times than I can even count he would vow to end the affair and tell me it was over, only for me to re-discover that he was lying and continuing his double life. The deception has been one of the most difficult things for me to handle and overcome, as he was someone who prior to the discovery I would never even imagined him being unfaithful to me, or being dishonest in any way. Our marriage was not perfect but we had a loving relationship and I felt a good marriage. Anyone who knew us would have said the same. I had always respected him, admired him, and was even inspired by him in many ways, and never failed to let him know that. For the most part I felt respected and very loved by him.

After many horrible incidents involving the affair, we finally made it to EMS weekend in January, which it itself was a miracle. Considering my husband is a very private person, the fact that he went and is also involved with therapy, is amazing and I commend him for taking these steps and for his courage in doing so. I also feel it has taken great strength and courage on my part to have made it this far.

After we returned from EMS weekend he still contacted his AP within a day. Even though my spouse and I felt the weekend was very helpful and he claimed helped him a lot, especially in finally grasping empathy for me, he still continued to connect with his AP after 2 weeks, while claiming it was no longer physical. I had just reached a breaking point after being so hopeful for so long and just needed to break away from it all. I had been on this constant roller coaster, going to great heights of feeling good at moments only to be let down hard time after time.

In the two weeks after EMS weekend we also did not seem to be able to communicate very well. No matter what I said or asked, my husband felt pressured and it all felt bad. So I finally packed some bags and left. I have been living with a friend for a little over a month now.

I still feel very hopeful and my husband and I are still involved in the EMS Aftercare program as well as therapy. We see one another usually on the weekends and until recently that felt very good. I am beginning to feel he is quite comfortable with the arrangement. He says he loves me, he misses me, but not being under constant pressure has really helped him to work on his issues that lead to the affair in the first place (ones of sexual and love addiction that I feel are connected to early childhood neglect and abuse). Still, he cannot seem to cut off the relationship with his AP entirely. He still is talking and texting her, although he says it has diminished greatly. My sense is that he thinks in time the connection will just fade away as the correspondence becomes less and less. He admitted feeling "in love" with her, but says he has never stopped loving me, that he knows for sure he wants to be back together with me and have our marriage back and heal and move forward together.

My feeling is that if he does not make a very clear-cut decision to end his relationship with his AP entirely, and make it very clear that it is over and it is his decision, than he is just setting himself up for relapse. Thinking that a relationship like this one which he was both very sexually and emotionally involved, will just fade away, does not create real closure in my eyes. I would love some feedback regarding my feelings about this. I have vowed not to return to our home until I see that the relationship with his AP is severed completely and for a period of time. I am still very hopeful and still love my husband deeply, but know if this cannot be resolved in the near future I will begin making other plans for my future apart from him. What do you suggest?



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