Q&A Should We Be Able to Discuss His Current Activities without a Fight?

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I was just curious how long until we should be at the point where asking more straightforward questions about current activities doesn't lead to a fight because of a perceived attack on the unfaithful’s end. When I get into a bad place emotionally I get very scared that things could be "adding up" and my husband may be up to no good again. Let me say that we are both working very hard in our individual recovery and together as a couple (marriage & individual therapy,ems weekend, nightly connecting homework). However, if I ask (in my triggered/scared state), "why did you spend 1.5 hrs at __, were you with someone?" he goes straight to over-explaining and then defensiveness and attacking. Saying I shouldn't STILL be having these feelings. This only makes me MORE scared and attack him more for answers. We're able to discuss the affair openly (now 1 yr 2 mo out from relapse) but if I say I'm scared of current involvement he shames me for questioning his integrity and often tells me to come back to "reality". This makes me feel isolated and alone and worry what's going on potentially, but is this normal during recovery? I'll bring it up in therapy and often get told to NOT ask questions to him and just try to self soothe. It's hard to soothe when things really seem like they are happening all over again. It's especially hard when you lose connection to your primary support...



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