Q&A Should We Make Amends by Contacting Former Affair Partners and Spouses?

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Hi Rick. We are 10 months past D-Day where I confessed to my wife of 23 years that I had several online and physical affairs over an 8 year period of time. We have been seeing a counselor for the past 10 months since my confession. In our session today, our counselor suggested that my wife confront one of my APs and tell her that what she (we) did was not OK and that she is offended by the behavior of this other woman. Likewise, our counselor has suggested that I write a letter to this woman apologizing to her for my role in the affair stating that it was wrong and also apologize to her husband directly for doing this. I broke off all contact with this woman immediately after D-Day and have not been in contact with her or any other AP since. I do not think her husband is aware of the infidelity. Similarly, our counselor suggested that I follow these same steps with all affair partners I am able to contact. I don't really want to initiate any type of contact with this woman or others or their husbands. I don't feel it is my place to expose the infidelity of others. Our counselor thinks it is part of our healing process and part of making amends. Do you agree?



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Follow up

Rick, thank you for giving us some thoughts regarding this situation. You mentioned wanting a little more information as to why our counselor suggested we contact this AP (and her spouse) specifically. The only additional information I could add is that My wife (through work) will occasionally come into contact with this AP. This person has also made a subtle attempt at contacting me. This AP apparently does not know that I have told my wife about the affair. Our counselor suggested that my wife confront this woman telling her what happened was wrong, not ok and to stay away from her husband (me). As previously mentioned our counselor also suggested I write letters to both this woman and her husband whom is (as far as I know) unaware of his wife's infidelity. That AP is a local person. I would assume your advice would not change with this added info but would like to know. Thank you.

What type of affair was it?

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