Q&A Is there any Hope for our Marriage?

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Question: 

Hi Rick,

I found out my husband was having an affair this year and tried multiple times to have a conversation about it. He repeatedly lied to me and said he was not in another relationship. Finally, I discovered some letters while he was out of town and I confronted him about 6 weeks ago. For the last 3 years he’s been having a sexual and emotional affair with a married woman in Canada, he'd met online. He said they've just considered themselves "friends" this whole time.

I asked him to tell me everything, but instead he didn’t disclose everything. There was a slow trickle of information over the weeks that followed and with every conversation we had, I found out more detail sending me further and further into shock and pain. I finally discovered he was planning a trip to New York City (a major trigger for me now) to see her and discuss the possibility of being together. I was so completely devastated and the pain is indescribable. To make matters worse, we are both on the worship team which I have now stepped down from.

He returned two weeks ago after seeing her. I found out just 3 days ago that she now wants to divorce her husband and make a life with him in New York. He said yes and they are making plans to be together at the end of October.

At this point, I don't even know what to do. He shows no remorse whatsoever. In his mind he is justified because she is leaving her husband for him. He has agreed to meet with me on Wednesday nights over the next several weeks to talk about "my healing" and "my recovery" but he doesn't seem to realize that the only way our relationship can be restored is if he leaves the affair partner and ends contact with her.

He considers himself already "divorced" from me since he wants to choose her. Things look so hopeless right now. My question is, will he get away with this since they both consider themselves divorced? Is it considered ok for them to be together since they are both ending their relationships with their spouses? What about our commitment? It doesn't seem to mean anything to him. I hope that God wouldn't consider their relationship ok after all the pain it's caused me and others. This just seems so wrong and I can't help but wonder what is so great about her and what's wrong with me. I feel small and insignificant and I don't know what to hang hope on since this sounds like such a permanent decision. Is there any hope for our marriage to be restored at all?

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