Q&A What Am I Supposed to Do as the Hurt Spouse Trying to Heal from My Husband’s Hurtful Behavior While Now Navigating My Past?

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Question: 

In 2002, my then boyfriend caught me having a nine month affair with a mutual friend. It became public at our then church, but we recovered without support. We were teens. Nine years later we got married and have children. Now, 20 years later, I’m four months out from discovering my husband had a five year affair. He seems remorseful and we are doing EMS Online. However he now constantly brings up my affair from 20 years ago. I made and kept my promise to always discuss it anytime. My concern is he initiates discussing my affair more than his own. When I discuss his affair, sometimes he tends to bring up mine and gets upset if I feel he’s deflecting. This doesn't seem right. I am currently the hurt spouse trying to heal from his infidelity. But sometimes Its like I'm the unfaithful one along with him. I know his unfaithfulness is bringing up past feelings, I expect that. What am I supposed to do as the hurt spouse trying to heal from my husband’s hurtful behavior while now navigating my past? Is it right to now deal with my past again? Should I be answering his questions now? I’m trying to heal from what he did while empathizing when he brings it up. Feels wrong.

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Am in the same situation

Im in the same esituation where I left my then boyfriend (who is my husband now) and became physical with a friend before I realised I made a terrible mistake and asked for my boyfriend to take me back. We got married two years later but we had not healed yet. And I thought we healed four years into our marriage until last year when I discovered that my husband had been physical for 7 years but started flirting with this girl 2 years prior. He was also flirtatious with other women too. I was open to discussing the hurt I caused but he was quiet and acted okay before our marriage. He would have occassional questions/lash outs. I would let him without being defensive but thought he was being mean.

Now he does not want to discuss what he has done openly. We have done EMS online, before the last week of it ending I found out that he lied about a portion of his story, deleted emails where he had been flirting with other girls and this brought chaos! I felt he had lied to me again, I felt he had not changed/changing and tgat he had other agendas besides healing our marriage. He is very defensive, and I am very critical!!! He wants us to just move forward. He also brings up my past when I ask him about what he has done, or tell him about how he has hurt me. Can you maybe do a video about this and how to navigate this kind of situation. He has asked me to do the empathy letter, and the 400 costs but I do not feel like as he has not done his part to be honest with me, show remorse (not once off or a couple of times). I feel like he would probably show more remorse to his affair partner than he would to me.