Q&A What Can I Do about My Defensive Husband That Doesn't Follow through on His Commitments to the Marriage?

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D-Day for me was 3 years ago. We went to EMS Weekend and have taken our respective courses- Harboring Hope/Hope for Healing. We have both done individual work, he is sober from sexual acting out, but there has been and continues to be avoidance in addressing triggers and wounds. I still have a lot of deep wounds, especially from his avoidance. Early on in recovery, experts told me that my husband just needed time to do his individual work and then he would be able to step into these painful spaces to repair our marriage. But I’ve waited 3 years and he’s still avoiding. If I try to bring up any grievances or negative feelings, we end up in a fight. He says he doesn't understand my triggers and is defensive. I feel invalidated and very unimportant to him. I'm doing most of the pursuing of connection and he's still doing a lot of avoiding and excuses. He doesn’t honor the weekly time set aside for us to talk about our marriage. He finds other things to do during that time. I've been wholeheartedly committed to my individual work and healing but I feel completely helpless for a new marriage. He defends himself with his intentions rather than addressing his lack of follow through. What do I do? I still feel completely alone in my marriage. I still can't trust or depend on him but that doesn’t seem to matter to him.



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