Q&A What Questions Can I Ask That Won't Lead to Intrusive Thoughts?

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Question: 

I'm simultaneously afraid to know and afraid to NOT know physical parts of the affair. I personally know my husband's affair partner; I was kind and generous to her before discovery. Therefore, with very little use of imagination, picturing their physical acts pops into my mind. Since our marriage is one of over 30 years, I know what he likes sexually. In addition, I know what she looks like when she laughs, when she's shy, when she's wearing shorts, when she's dressed up for a special event, and when she throws her long hair back over her shoulder. These thoughts are so very painful. It would be ideal, of course, for this line of thinking to dissolve, as much as possible. On the other hand, I'm haunted by thoughts that my husband and I may duplicate their acts, which will cause him to think of his former work assistant/affair partner whilst he and I are attempting to connect on a physically intimate way. Simultaneously, it seems natural to feel his body then suddenly repugnant when I wonder if this is how they also connected. My questions about the physical acts are becoming increasingly problematic to my abilities to enjoy physicality other than hand holding, not to mention, enjoyable sexual intercourse. .. Are there any questions I might ask which might not result in comparison intrusive thoughts but which might give me some peace of mind when my husband and I have physical contact? Any other thoughts?

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I could have written this

I could have written this myself! I also knew the AP and considered her a friend. I had the EXACT same issue with intrusive thoughts during sex because I could picture the two of them together very easily. We are doing EMSO and I have been doing EMDR for 2 months and it has helped somewhat but I still struggle and each time we attempt to be intimate it's a crap shoot as to whether I'll be able to deal with thoughts or not. The first thing that comes to mind is him touching her, holding her, talking to her, etc in the same way he does with me, how he must have looked at her, his sounds, etc. and I can imagine her response. There have even been times where I have flinched at his touch. It kills me and I have a very difficult time getting past it. I long for the day where I can reclaim my sexuality and be free to enjoy physical intimacy again.

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