Q&A What Was My Husband Telling Himself When He Told Me All These Lies?

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Question: 

You have explained Moral Justifications in your video series. Most of the understanding I have is of a general nature. I know each situation is different, but it would be very helpful to understand some of the rationalizations in a more specific or anecdotal way. In my situation, my husband states he still loved and desired me throughout his affair, which he described as superficial. That is extremely hard for me to understand or internalize. Can you give examples of the thinking that occurs in situations such as when the unfaithful partner arrives home to the spouse after having been with the affair partner? My thoughts immediately go to mocking, disgust, or not caring about the spouse at all. My husband states he did not feel that way at all and truly looked forward to coming home to me and our family every day. What must he have been thinking and feeling as he walked in the door? What was he thinking or feeling when he concocted and told his lies? What did he tell himself? I have asked him these questions, and he has tried to answer to the best of his ability, but it is confusing, and in his case hard to remember as it was many years ago. Any specific types of examples from your personal or professional experience would be helpful to illustrate the frame of mind needed to carry out these actions, particularly if the unfaithful did in fact continue to love their spouse.

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