Q&A Why Can't We Talk about the Affair Partner with out the Wayward Spouse Shutting Down?

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Question: 

We are 2.5 years from D-Day and have done a lot or work including EMS. Our ability to talk without triggers and with compassion has greatly improved. My husband, on numerous occasions, including last night, will be holding me and comforting me until I bring up the affair partner then he will literally disconnect. And when I try to point out when it happens he says he arm fell asleep or another excuse to not see it was talk of her. In one of your recent videos you spoke about how you realized you would take 100% responsibility of the affair and that by not giving your affair partner her 100% it left Stephanie feeling like you were defending her. That is exactly what happens to me. He can easily say he owns 100% of the affair but refuses to speak about the affair partner owning any of it. He says it’s because she doesn’t matter and he’s glad she’s out of his life. But to me if feels like so much more. It feels like a denial and him still needing to do the work to see the affair partner for who she really was and be able to speak about her indifferently but as part of the story because she was. I truly feel this is the missing piece to my healing. I feel like he doesn’t truly see what happened or truly see me as he seems to direct all anger about the affair towards me and that leaves me feeling unsafe. How can I get him to see that? How can we get to a place where we can talk about what happened including her without me losing him?

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