Q&A Why Do I Want to Know? Part 2

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Question: 

I fully agree with you that comparison questions are destructive to healing. I also agree that obsessing over comparisons create horribly intrusive thoughts. However, I’m not sure we have a level playing field in this regard. Doesn’t my husband hold all the cards in this area? Doesn’t he get to compare? Could he be comparing our bodies, his sex life with her compared to me (she was 22 years younger), how much fun she was, etc.? Is it fine for him to compare but dangerous for me? Or do comparisons happen more DURING the affair for justification purposes than after discovery when shame comes into play?

Lastly, you mention that if we have around 70 - 80% of the story that may be enough. How does that fit with, “you’re only as sick as your secrets”? If my mate is holding back information, isn't that affecting HIS recovery? Doesn’t that also mean he is still keeping secrets with his AP?

I understand that the betrayed have most of the work to do in terms of healing, but sometimes it feels too one sided. 

I would love to get to a place where I can sign off and say I’ve asked all I’ve needed to ask and I know all I need to know. Your thoughts would be greatly appreciated. 

*Rick mentions in this Q&A an section of EMS Online titled "All you Ever Wanted to Know About Infidelity"; this has been renamed and is "The Reality of Affairs' which is included in Week 1 of EMS Online.

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