Q&A Will I Ever See My Husband as ‘Mine’ Again?

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I saved myself for marriage and he didn't date much before me so the majority of what we shared was only "ours." Then he had an affair and now nothing is exclusive to me, his affair partner is now a part of what was a closed circle/bond. Besides an expert I'd love to hear a healed betrayed spouse share her opinion!



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I’m a betrayed spouse a little over 7 months into this healing journey.
I can understand the grief and pain you are feeling over the betrayal as I have felt this also. My husband and I have been married 26 years and he was faithful for 22 of those years. I had complete trust in him as I felt that the love he had for me and for our children was unshakeable. I believed he would never do anything to jeopardize the security of our family. What I didn’t understand was that he felt lonely and abandoned, and insecure. The kids grew up and moved on, his beloved step-father died (the man who came into his life when he was 10 and lifted the heavy burden from his little shoulders of being the family caretaker), and I felt hurt and confused by his anger and withdrew, rejecting him frequently. He felt lost and slowly started seeking affirmation elsewhere through inappropriate online interactions, until it culminated in a physical affair last year.
Through it all he never lost his love and longing for me. He was not in love with any of the APs and had no intention of leaving our marriage. When he confessed one of the first things he said while sobbing was, “And now you’re going to leave me.”
No. I didn’t leave. I’m loyal and I love him for all of the ways he loved and supported our family through the years. He was the dad who would walk in the door, exhausted from work, and get down in his hands and knees to play “horsey” with our kids. He always had time for them and he always offered help to me. He is/was the man who would pick me a bouquet of wildflowers just to say, “I love you.” He is the man who sat by the side of both of my parents when they passed, holding their hands, praying for them, and comforting me.
The vows he said on our wedding day he meant...and still means today. He wounded me terribly but he is helping me to heal through his loving actions. This morning he came to me with tears in his eyes to say, “Thank you for your grace and forgiveness to me; it’s because of you I could dance with our daughter at her wedding last March. I love you.”
He and I are changed. This event, his sin, altered us. Looking back on our relationship I can see that we needed altering. It was a steep price to pay for deepening our love, but we are not letting it steal our future. We can’t imagine a life without the other in it, we want to grow old together in a new and improved marriage. We don’t want to leave our children and grandchildren a legacy of brokenness, we want to leave them a legacy of unselfish love.
He is my beloved husband and I am his beloved wife. That may may have been threatened, but it was not stolen from us. Praise God!

This means so much to me

Reading your words gave me such hope. Thank you for sharing your story here.

I feel very much like the

I feel very much like the person who wrote this question. But your words help me and I thank you for it! ❤️

Praise God, indeed

I could have written your comment myself, there are so many parallels. The only difference is I'm only 6 weeks into this healing journey. But I can already see and feel the hope you speak of. What a treasure to find your words today. I'm still in the midst of the pain, reaching desperately for my oxygen mask, but I believe your story will be our story. I only wish you lived near and could mentor me through the rough patches when doubt (the Enemy) sneaks in. God bless you and your husband in this beautiful future you are creating together. Thank you much for this encouraging post.

I hope...

This is what I am hoping for, believing for. 4 months since DDay. I married my best friend 21 years ago. He has been such a dedicated father, provider and partner. He has had deep wounds from our oldest child (jail, juvenile programs, betraying us in many ways) who himself was deeply wounded before we adopted him. My UH believed many lies and made many compromises instead of dealing with the pain.

I am reconciling with him for the very reasons that you mentioned. I believe that God has the power to restore our legacy to our children, our commitment to each other and for us to live out the gospel of grace. I told him that I want to dance with him at our daughter's wedding. I didn't want to choose divorce over forgiveness and reconciliation.
But man it's not easy. It feels impossible some days despite the fact that my husband has come out of the "fog" and is clear-headed, repentant and working his tail off to help me heal and regain my trust. If feelings could always get in line with your mind and intentions we would be riding off into the sunset with this "better marriage" we are believing for today, but one day at a time, I guess.

Thanks for sharing! 7 months sounds good. I count the days knowing that as each day that passes we are getting better, even with bad days. I remember what week 2, 3, etc. felt like and don't want to go back!

He doesn't feel mine...

I was a little surprised to see this question...because I had to say this to my husband last week. He just doesn't feel mine like he used to. We met our senior year of high school and he is the only lover I've ever had. There was something very sacred and special about this for me. Although it may be wrong to call someone "mine" that's what he felt like. We were married nearly 25 years ago and he began a long pattern of repeated cheating about 7 years ago. After I first discovered his cheating I worked hard to heal and forgive... and I got there. Then, he started cheating again, had an affair and some one night stands. He just doesn't feel mine. Because of that I'm struggling with the thought of engaging physically with him. It's been one year since our second D day and he is starting to talk about having sex...and I can't yet. I am committed to this marriage and have completed the course and now we are in "married for life." Much has improved between us in the past year, but I don't have the trust and bond I need to engage sexually. Is this normal?

I feel your pain.

I feel the pain you are in. I am so so sorry for what you and the rest of us are going through. I’d say that what you are feeling is normal. But I’m not an expert. But I find it hard to engage sexually with my husband as well. It’s all so hard!

I feel your pain.

I feel the pain you are in. I am so so sorry for what you and the rest of us are going through. I’d say that what you are feeling is normal. But I’m not an expert. But I find it hard to engage sexually with my husband as well. It’s all so hard!

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-D, Texas