Given some of the comments over the past few months I felt I needed to clarify Affair Recovery’s core beliefs. I also want to respond to those of you who were troubled by the analogies used in the newsletters. Up front let me say thank you to those of you who’ve given permission for me to publically respond to your comments. You’re willingness to help is appreciated more than you’ll ever know.

I’ll begin with responding to a few of the negative comments:

1. This comment is from my post titled “Is My Mate Safe?”

This post gives the unfaithful spouse a free ticket to infidelity. I've read this type of sentiment over and over. My own spouse went through so many lies in trying to justify his actions and then finally came up with this very explanation…. blaming me for not meeting HIS needs. And in trying to recover, his response to me is "Well, if you would change, then we can get back to the way we once were.” This is so upsetting.

Stop blaming the faithful spouse! Take FULL responsibility for being unfaithful. It starts with the unfaithful spouse taking the reigns on this one, otherwise how can the betrayed spouse even start to feel safe and trust again.

I agree 100%. In fact I began that article pointing out the reactions you needed to look for to determine whether or not they’re safe. If they are not taking responsibility and if they are justifying what they did they are most likely not safe!

In hindsight it’s clear I did not do enough to clarify my point in this article and I can assure you as long as I’m around, Affair Recovery will never take the position that the marriage or the betrayed spouse is responsible for another person’s betrayal. Bad marriages do not cause affairs, they may increase vulnerability, but that in no way is an excuse for betrayal nor does it cause betrayal. Bad choices are at the root of infidelity, not bad marriages.

At the same time, if the hurt spouse isn’t responsible for the choices made by the unfaithful spouse, we also believe the unfaithful spouse isn’t ultimately responsible for the choices made by the hurt spouse. I’m responsible for me and my reactions. At AR it’s understood that the extreme pain, trauma and disorientation generated by infidelity trigger behaviors and responses that are completely out of character for many of our participants, but you can no more take responsibility for your mate’s recovery than they can for yours. If there is to be reconciliation each party has to take responsibility for themselves and has to choose to be safe enough for the relationship.

Someone else may have caused the wound, but each of us has to take personal responsibility for our healing and how we choose to respond. It’s not fair that the person who hurt you is not the person who can heal you, and it’s not fair that another person’s bad choices have created a lot of hard work for you in recovery, but I do hope you won’t let that stop you from taking control of your own recovery. It is about progress not perfection, and hopefully caring is communicated as each party takes responsibility for ways they wound one another. For there to be recovery, each person has to work at keeping the relationship safe to give each party and the relationship a chance to heal.

2. These comments are from my post “How Wise Are You?”

I'm offended at your comparison of an infant to an affair! There is no comparison. The infant knows of no other way but to become frustrated and scream for help. The betrayer made a free willing choice to have an affair. The betrayed spouse has lots of choices once the affair comes to light. Please do not compare an infant to such a hurtful event. I find this article useless and not helpful to either spouse. Comparing and infant to an affair is insulting. Please follow up with a better comparison. Thank you

As I get older I think my communication skills are getting weaker. I pray you’ll be patient with me. Actually I was thinking more of the hurt spouse than the unfaithful spouse when I wrote this. At Affair Recovery we believe that “healed individuals are vital guides.” Basically, that only those who’ve traveled this path and have found a new and meaningful life understand what it takes to recover. To find an extraordinary life of meaning and purpose after an affair requires a beginners mind. If we knew the path we would have taken it, but like the infant we only know what we know. Hopefully we find others who, through their experience, have learned something we don’t know and they can provide us direction to find new life.

I apologize if it seemed I was minimizing the seriousness of those who’ve been betrayed by using the analogy of an infant. I want to convey the need for surrender in recovery; that we can’t solve a problem by the same consciousness that created it, and an infant is about as humble as one can get. Maybe it is a bad analogy, but when we can accept maybe we don’t know what to do and let go of our old ways of being then new alternatives come into view and we can find freedom.

I turned to this site as a tool to help me get through one of the darkest points in my life. I have no one to talk to about my husband's infidelity........not because of pride but for his protection from the negative out lash he would be subjected to by those closest to us. In addition, a big part of me is not up for the opinions of everyone (expressed or unexpressed) about how I should handle the situation.

My husband agreed to counseling but became defensive. I found this site and was hopeful to receive practical advice, find comfort in knowing that I was not alone.

For as many good articles, the articles that lay condemnation on both parties, betrayer and BETRAYED, have reached a level of grotesqueness. I will not be victimized again and again and again by a resource that claims to be a tool for restoring a marriage affected by infidelity. Why am I surprised by articles that always look to shared blame.........knowing the background of Rick as a betrayer. Talk about self-deception.

Admittedly this one is painful to read. At Affair Recovery another of our core beliefs is that unconditional dignity and respect are essential. At AR we don’t believe in blame, we believe each person is responsible for themselves. If it’s any other way then we do become victims. As a betrayer I understand I’m responsible for me and I choose not to blame anyone for my failure. I own it. I also understand the extreme pain and disorientation generated by infidelity and do not place blame in anyway on the hurt spouse for their responses. I seriously doubt I would respond as well as most of the people I’ve worked with were I to be in their circumstance. You may not agree, but I’m concerned when people view themselves as victims and surrender their ability to protect themselves.

We never fall over the what, we always fall over the why. At times I think I fail miserably, but the “why” I do this is to empower people; the last thing I want is to add to people’s pain or to blame them for their situation. If I came across as blaming them I beg your forgiveness and only hope you can see my heart.

At Affair Recovery we believe:

• Unconditional dignity and respect are essential.
• Community serves as a catalyst for healing.
• Healed individuals are vital guides.
• Every life can be restored.
• Severe crisis leads to radical transformation.
• Failure teaches what success cannot.
• The pain of infidelity can be healed.

Over the past few weeks I fear I’ve wounded some of you. I pray for patience. I hope that some day you’ll be able to see the passion those of us at Affair Recovery possess for those of you in the midst of the journey. Thank you for your feedback. It’s invaluable as we go forward. Those of you who’ve left the constructive feedback are an invaluable part of our process. Please don’t stop. It’s your feedback that helps us stay the course and provide what’s needed for recovery.