Q&A How can I Feel Safe?

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Question: 

Dear Rick,

My husband and I had our first D-day 6 years ago. We've had several since then as my husband has continued to struggle with the pornography addiction he has had since he was a teenager.

We went to EMS 11 months ago and he took a polygraph afterwards and passed. He immediately took Hope for Healing and asked 2 men from our congregation to be his accountability partners (neither have struggled with addiction). It was revealed to my husband over 7 months ago that these men really didn't get it and he needed to find new accountability. He has problems believing he needs to work a program and with the broad range of defining sobriety in SA.

I let him know that I needed accountability to feel safe in October. He went to a few CR meetings and hasn't been to one in over 2 months.

I let him know a few weeks ago that I need accountability to feel safe and know that he's working on changing his addict thinking. He's still dealing with shame and image management and has a wall up with me. He still struggles with having empathy of my pain from the past and present. He still doesn't get how ugly he still talks to me even though this has gotten better since October. (In my HH group he has the reputation of being the jerk).

After I asked him if he had gotten into contact with an EMS mentor husband that he said he was going to talk to, he let me know that he felt like pulling out his hair and shoving it down my throat.

He said that he doesn't want to "jump through my hoops" and that he needs to do things because he wants to. I want him to want this himself too. I know it has to be his choice to get help but I also need to feel safe.

He did pass a polygraph test the next day and though this gives me comfort and I'm thankful that he's been honest with me the past 11 months it doesn't reassure me that he's changing his thinking and trying his best to be safe for me in the future.

Ever since then he's been sleeping in our guest room at my request until he finds an accountability partner and it doesn't even seem to bother him. I was actually surprised he respected me enough to go instead of telling me to leave the room. I feel like he's still in partial denial of what a big deal this is to his soul, life, me and our family and that he's trying to white knuckle it like he's done so many times before.

I'm thankful for the changes that have happened and see God at work in my life and his, but don't believe he has hit his rock bottom. I'm struggling with what action to take now. Whether I should sit and see what happens? For how long? Make a firmer boundary? Tell more people we are struggling and/or ask people to encourage him? Wait for him to fall again?????

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