Q&A (HFH) How do I Stop Lying to my Spouse and Myself?

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Question: 

We are now well over a year from D-day and a year from starting EMS online. There have been multiple disclosures because I was not fully honest from the beginning. When confronted, I lied and hid information which I found out later in EMSO was damaging. After beginning EMSO we had two more discovery periods. Recently my spouse said that he did not feel like I'd told him everything and felt like we'd never finished discovery. He was right because there were a few things that I'd not divulged in previous discussions. My reasons for not saying some things were because I didn't think they were significant details, or we'd moved past things and I remembered things later and didn't want to go backward, etc.

With every new disclosure, I set my husband back and now it's at the point where he is such an emotional wreck he can't take any more of this. He's expressed to me that he doesn't want me anymore yet he still loves me. He said that if I had been forthcoming from the beginning, we would have been past all of this! I cut ties with the AP a year ago and I'm no longer tempted to have an affair or anyone beside my spouse.

So, how do I change? He says that I'm a habitual liar and he doesn't know what is truth and what is a lie. He is now questioning whether our kids are ours or someone else's because of the distrust and all of the lies. We just had a set of twins together and with being a new mom again, caring for our two older children, working, dr. appointments and almost weekly arguments with him we are both exhausted. I feel like I've told him everything now, but I said that the last time.

How can I make him feel safe?

How do I stop withholding information and/or lying?

I cannot seek counseling because of the hospital bills and lack of time.

What can I do?

How do I change?

Where can I begin?

Thank you.

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