Survivors' Blog

I Thought our Marriage was Fine

Submitted by Samuel 10 years ago

Have you ever said to yourself, "I thought my marriage was fine....I thought we were doing great."? Infidelity has a way of uprooting our entire life's momentum and today I discuss how to move forward practically.

What type of affair was it?

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What to read next

How Long Does Infidelity Recovery Really Take? And How Much Work Is Enough?
Help for the Unfaithful: Identifying Your Self Destruct Button
5 Key Factors That Will Accelerate or Stall Your Healing After an Affair
One of the Biggest Needs of the Unfaithful Partner after an Affair: Humility
Bitterness Part 1: The Signs

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I would highly recommend giving this a try.
 
-D, Texas
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Comments

Really good post today.

Submitted by momof2 on

Really good post today. Frankly, what I needed to hear as a betrayed spouse - to give myself some grace bc I was never meant to be a detective, And your 3rd point about what Samantha thought. I think we as betrayed need to be reminded how to live again without feeling like you need to look over shoulder every moment. I hope to get to where Samantha got. Thanks Samuel. But how long do you wait for restoration? I still feel like my unfaithful is holding something back, hiding something -- if he's turned a corner now into recovery, shouldn't all the dirt be brought to the surface too?

glad you liked it momof2

Submitted by Samuel on
momof2, it's a tough, but fair question: is he holding something back? it's just not that easy or black and white. he may.....or it may be something that hasn't been unlocked inside of him....I'm just not sure and unfortunately, it's not a simple this plus this means that ya know.....when I turned corners, and there were many (not because I'm so great but because I was such a mess and there were A LOT of corners I needed to turn to get healthy...) there was momentum and there was breakthrough, but some was huge and some was small and some was just kinda 'eh' ok I see that differently. one would hope that when they turn a corner there is a great sign of new life and positive momentum and positive change. but sometimes, and again s o m e t i m e s, corners are turned and there isn't any new details, but more personal and private momentum. you may approach the need for truth carefully to maintain the momentum and somewhat compliment the new momentum, but not cut your legs out from underneath you ya know? hope that helps.

It is really difficult to

Submitted by momof2 on

It is really difficult to compliment momentum the unfaithful is/are making. Sometimes I'm scared to because I don't want him to think that it's all okay now, and he doesn't need to do anything else. Sometimes I refuse to bc I think he needs to do so much more. Sometimes I don't want to because of my pride. Yesterday my husband said, "I hope this doesn't come out the wrong way, but I'm going to become a better person from this, I'm going to overcome this, I'm not going to let this define who I am." He sounded like a different person. Thanks for sharing about the different corners you had to turn in your recovery; I probably just need to trust God more that he will deliver me from a deceitful tongue and lying lips.

Samuel's Blogs

Submitted by Elizabeth (not verified) on

These blogs are helping me more than anything else... counseling, books, friends. I wish I could afford an EMS weekend or engage the unfaithful in the reading. (He is not a reader.) He is watching the blogs and the guidance is spot on. I can see changes in how we understand each other. Thank you for the fruits of your sorrow. You have taken a few chunks out of mine.

Dumbfounded

Submitted by Anna Lisa (not verified) on

Samuel,

I've really enjoyed your blogs! I check everyday for a new entry. I was completely shocked when I found out about the affair. I too thought our marriage after 28 years was fine. There were never signs of discontent. As the betrayed spouse, I became the detective, something I never thought I would do, but I felt I needed to know everything. It's been 3 months and I still don't know why he sought out an affair, he says it just happened, he can't explain why either, at least not yet. We're trying to rebuild with our therapist. Some days are very hard for me. Knowing too many details of the affair has made the trauma that more painful. I hope time will heal.

Amazing and impressively

Submitted by Joanna (not verified) on

Amazing and impressively honest and insightful blog entry
In my case the "unfaithful" (my husband) took away the chance of restoration by leaving without any discussion days after disclosure
however i still think what you say in your blog is spot on
thank you

Greiving

Submitted by MCB on

Samuel,
Can you tell me what Greiving looks like? I'm sure it will be different for each person, but you said you have to do that before you forgive. Is it being profoundly sad? Am I supposed to cry a lot? I have indeed felt those things, and I know my marriage, as I knew it will never be the same. I just got tired of carrying the sadness and pain. I needed to lay it down and move on. Some days are better than others, but in general, what does Greiving look like?

MCB grieving....

Submitted by Samuel on
thnk you for your question. for starters, i'd read these articles first to get an idea of some further background on grieving: https://www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/grieving-betrayal-after-infidelity https://www.affairrecovery.com/survivors/Samuel/grieving-for-what-was-lost https://www.affairrecovery.com/survivors/dana/mourning-vs-grieving it can be a bit arrogant to just send you articles I've written...but i take a lot from Rick and use my own approaches so those are great reads as well. for me, it was crying and it was pondering what i've done and what my choices had done. i had intense sadness for sure. i also had intense grief. but like you, there is a time when you have to move on and get out from underneath the pain and sadness and start to live again ya know? kids, life, bills, responsibilities don't care about grieving. so there is a time that you'll need to pick up and move on. but many times, case in point, people have a hard time forgiving as they never grieved (sadness,....anger.....sorrow.....deep thoughts on the whole moral failure and achieving the right perspective.....you may also google the five stages of grieving that some say are passive, but at the end of the day they give you understanding on the stages one usually goes through and understanding deeper, the mindset. i hope those help, but i'm happy to speak to it more if you'd like. i hope all this helps you in some way. thank you for reading and posting.

please could you post

Submitted by Joanna (not verified) on

do a new blog entry if your spouse has left for the affair partner but you still feel from their behaviour that they are ambivalent that they have done the right thing
i think all of your blogs work on the basis that both spouses are still there in the family home and that the betrayed spouse has some leverage
Often that is not the case -the unfaithful decides to wreck it all without reference to his "betrayed" family
it is so hard to know what to do then

I've watched this three times

Submitted by Joanna (not verified) on

I've watched this three times now all on different days and i think the wisdom in this particular blog about "i thought our marriage was fine" is breathtaking.
i am a betrayed spouse. I have zero hope for restoration but I still recognise the great truths going on in this post by this samuel person